Solidification

I really don't like what I've become these days. Everything I do is half-baked and I can't really figure out what it is that I want. Too much internal conflict. Also, let's be practical here, where the hell am I going to live? To stay or to go... Side note: the joints on my left hand hurt like crazy; insomnia leads to endless guitar playing.

The dancing dog. I'm trying to think of ways I can profit off of him. 

Let's just be normal friends. Peanuts for everyone. 사랑해 도 될까? 我真的不信任我自己.

Stop

Okay, excuse me... when did I become such a psycho?!
Someone talk me out of this.

Simple

Let's clear some things up because the other day someone said that they were very amazed at what a patient/kind person I am. No.

People have this common misconception: that even if they ignore me I'll still be waiting for them--like that one time I waited at the mall for 6 hours--"because I'm nice". That doesn't make me a nice person, that makes me a fool. People that care won't make you wait for 6 hours. Not sure why it took me so long to realize this, but I'm not like that anymore. I've stopped waiting. People also think that I'm the type of person that's good at initiating things (calls, email, text, etc.) or that I like doing it. False. I hate it. I would rather get a mastectomy (not that I have much to remove in the first place). I only do it because I care so much that I'm willing to do things that I don't like to do, BUT here's the key: I have to feel that it's worth it. These days I get tired easily and I stop trying because I assume people don't care. Prove me wrong.

So what happens when it's not worth it anymore? I stop caring, I guess. It's obviously easier said than done. I always pretend I'm over things when I'm not. Lousy. It takes a lot of discipline. It helps if you're mentally and physically exhausted. What is that one saying? The train has left the station? Something like that. I think most things in life are a timing sort of thing. If you decide to start caring after I stop then it kind of sucks to be you. I don't like being ignored. I don't like feeling like an unimportant person. Who does? So, I mean, when it gets to the point where it always feels this way I'll choose to disappear. See? My patience and kindness is quite limited.

Slightly related: I don't understand how people can put no effort into relationships and still expect to have friends. Come on son, steak does not fall from the sky. -_-
but if you called me right now and told me how much you miss me I would drop everything to go see you because in reality... 我還是很愛你; ugh I hate myself.
Wow, sorry this post was super serious... been on my mind for a while though. Anyway, go look at this and realize how old you are. I'll post something funny soon.

Segue

The water at my apartment isn't working. They didn't even give us a warning before they started tearing apart  the pipes. Showering yesterday was such a pain. I won't go into detail because no one wants to know about these things, but let's just say it involved pots and collecting water like an Amazon woman. Sigh. Anyone want to lend this homeless person a shower?

Randomly got a call from some unknown number today:
"Joanna, you didn't come to class yesterday..."
"...sorry, who is this?"
"This is Dr. ____"
"HAHA! Sorry! It wasn't because I didn't want to, I swear!"
"I know, I'm just playing around. I know you guys are working on that grant. If you skip my class you'd better be miserable."
"I am, I assure you!"

Oh my gosh. For real, he got my number from my PI. I hate that they're friends sometimes. I also hate that I'm helping to write a grant proposal that I don't think is correct. Seriously, there are more than six papers that disprove this crummy hypothesis. Why am I putting my soul into this? I even tried to translate a German article... Good grief. I need my own lab. Okay, no one cares. I'm leaving.

I feel unwell. I need to throw up.

Surfeit

I've been getting so many confessions of love these past few days. Slow it down, people. Is it because it's Spring or do I just smell good these days? I'm only kidding, roll your eyes back the other way.

^this is clearly over-titrated. Freshman.

This whole time I've been going on about how people are frustrating, but maybe it's not their fault after all. I'm probably here inflicting frustration on myself because I'm spoiled and think that everyone in the world should be like... In reality, I got lucky in the fact that I met people that have nearly identical values as me and therefore have never frustrated me. While they may not be at fault, I'm not going to choose to associate myself with people that frustrate me anymore. It's not fair for me to convince them that they're frustrating and I don't have energy or patience to put up with this. I'm just kind of shocked that it's possible for people to subconsciously act like ---holes. I've always thought it was a conscious decision. I've also assumed that if people care enough it will be blatantly obvious; I might be wrong about that one too. Though if people care, being insouciant, negligent, and putting zero effort into things is a very crappy way of showing it don't you think?

"Can you ask because you're more charismatic?"
"Are you only saying that because you don't want to ask?"
"Umm..." runs away

Scoundrel. -_-

Ugh. Trabajo time.

Staple

Let me rant for a bit because I think the general public is rather uneducated. There were these two veterans sitting behind a table asking for donations because they served in the war. I mean, yes--thank you, thumbs up, high five, but you have the wrong holiday. Memorial day is for people that have died in war. Note: memorial. Veteran's day is honoring everyone (living and dead) that previously fought in some war. It's slightly redundant, but if they're going to separate it into two different days then people should at least know why they're barbecuing. Come on son.

I was going to upload a video, but it wouldn't let me, so these are the next best thing. The second one! So funny. :)

If you think you can apologize profusely and get away with it you're wrong because if what you do doesn't change you're not sorry. You're an idiot. You'll realize this eventually.

Scupper

Do I really have to do work tomorrow? I want to have a barbecue like normal people and not think about what a useless piece of flesh I am.

This is excellent. I've turned into such a granola--that's what you call nature-y people if you guys weren't familiar with that term. I only learned of this recently as well... I don't really understand young person language these days.

Splendid

Here's your pop quiz. Where was I?

So exhausted. Found a distant relative. Beached whale.

Sparkling

I have never felt more accomplished in my life. This was also the first time my PI came to watch me present. He was so proud of me I almost started crying out of sheer happiness. I eavesdropped on one of his conversations as I was putting stuff away.

"Is that your grad student? Can I steal her?"
"No, she's been my undergrad research assistant for four years"
"Undergrad?! Wow! o_o"
"I know, I got lucky."

Oh my gosh. Can someone just kill me right now? This would be the perfect time to die. I'm so happy my cheek muscles are going to atrophy. 1. Made a big impression on KEY people in the field of biochem 2. Made a room full of PhDs laugh 3. Got a thumbs up and huge smile from my PI. Somehow number 3 means the most to me. I find that these are the only people that understand my lame receptor jokes. "...this will result in a surface expressed, non-functional receptor... it's kind of like Senior year" I didn't even need to explain myself and all of them started cracking up. I do tend to appreciate people that understand my sense of humor.

Scoundrel

I sliced my hand open and bled all over the place. That's always fun. I guess it looks like I won't be playing for a while, which is actually good given my current situation. I should probably be focusing anyway... that is, until the weekend. Yahoo! :) I'm planning on having fun starting Friday and then I'll realize how screwed I am on Monday. I hope everyone barbecues on Monday, so I can have Starbucks all to myself. It's usually deserted anyway, but still.

This thesis is like a moldy orange. You know it's there, but it's so gross that you don't even want to deal with it, so you just let it sit there some more until you realize that everything in your refrigerator has become moldy and then you're like "Ah, damn it." Two weeks to write a thesis. Wow. What has my life become. I'm disappointed in myself, but I also have no energy to care. I'll tell you guys a secret. I tricked my adviser. I gave her my research proposal and she was very pleased and thought that I was super ambitious, but to be honest it's nearly identical to what I'm doing at work. Maybe that's why I'm not worried. Or maybe I'm just a lousy piece of crap. Who knows.

I was taking a break... I'm seriously at this point in my life where I can't even beat my computer at Solitaire.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I can't believe this. I think my PI said the room holds 100 people... not sure because I was spacing out. Is it going to be full? A room full of 100 intelligent PhD's knowledgeable in my area of research... So intimidating. I can't believe I'm ditching class to give a lecture... not that I go to class anyway, but still -_-

Hysteria

Look! I spent 15 minutes transforming the title page into a membrane! The good thing is I can use this for both my class and my lecture! Hooray! I think I'm so clever, but I'm really not. Sad life. I don't know why I feel so much pressure to entertain people, but I do. You would assume that if people have PhD's they're most likely going to pay attention regardless of the quality of my lecture, though whether this is true or not is yet to be determined. I've probably spent more time on this than I have on all of my classes this quarter combined--and that includes physically going to class. As much as I complain about work, I really do like research. People ask me why I don't want to go to graduate school. ...I would rather chop off my limb. I've interacted with enough graduate students to know that if I'm going to rot somewhere for so long I might as well go to medical school.

I want to be old and unemployed, so I can play guitar and piano all day. Given how my life typically plays out, I'll probably get arthritis before that happens and die from boredom instead.

Insanity

I've had it with these ads! I'm kidding, they make me laugh. I need more laughter. I wish Running Man was a daily show. It's the only show that makes me laugh so hard I'm crying.

Well said. The only reason why it's a part of your life is because you keep thinking about it anyway. This is seriously going to be the last time I mope around about this. If there is more sadness and tears than laughter and happiness it's not worth it. I'm sorry I wasted so much time on you, you were clearly the wrong person. I need to go on a one month vacation or maybe just get out of this city.

Tumbleweed

The other day I choked on tea while driving because someone made me laugh and tea came out of my nose. I had to stop the car on the side of the road because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe/see--not to mention there was tea all over the place and I looked like I peed my pants. What she said wasn't even that funny, it was the fact that tea came out of my nose that made me laugh even harder. We were sitting there cracking up for about 30 minutes. TV show status. This is the second time anything has ever come out of my nose like this... the first time was in Elementary school at my friend's house because she made me laugh, but  it was a piece of lettuce. I remember being very miserable because it wouldn't come out. Alright, no one needs to know this, I'll leave it at that.

I hope you guys understand the last one. How is tomorrow Monday? WHY.

Hostility

I heard that ads are supposed to be tailored to you these days. If that's the case why do I have this showing up on my YouTube? -_- I guess they're not exactly wrong... but isn't this creepy? I thought that they chose ads based upon browsing history? How are they supposed to know about my personality or the type of person I am as a whole?

Is it possible to be unmotivated, but still productive? I think I'm in that state right now. It's probably because I'm screwed, so things need to get done. However, that doesn't mean that they're done elegantly or excellently for that matter.

I usually trust my intuition because it's usually right. Unfortunately, while this is true it's hard to account for factors that you're unable to control. I could be right about something, but it might not play out in the way that I want it to because it does what it wants. In that case, maybe I shouldn't trust my intuition anymore or maybe I should stop acting on it, is probably a better way of putting it.

When I'm not in a good mood everything tastes horrible, so I just stop eating or I'll eat a bite and put it down. When I'm happy even things that I don't usually like eating end up tasting alright--except for pickles... pickles can never be alright. Do people eat when they're upset because they're trying to release Dopamine? I asked my friend that question and she said, "Joanna... You're probably the only person that thinks about neurotransmitters when you're upset."

Orange peel

One word is enough to make me smile. Heart~

Lethargy

I can't believe I totally forgot about my honors thesis or maybe it's not that I forgot, but chose to neglect it until this point. Oh my gosh. So screwed. If there was a word that could describe being more screwed than screwed I would use that word instead. Oh wait, there is. Completely f*cked. Sorry, I swear so much these days. What a bad influence I am!

I went to talk to one of my professors that agreed to write a letter of recommendation for me. We ended up not talking about "business" matters and we were laughing so loudly that some lady came in and asked us what was so funny. Afterwards, he told me to call him Alan. First name basis, people. I feel so cool. As much as I'm frustrated, overworked, and unhappy lately, I'm really grateful for people that will offset those sentiments. For some reason I keep encountering people that make me smile just as I'm about to start crying or throw a tantrum. It's almost as if someone knows this is precisely what I need right now~ :)

You can never be too busy for things that you care about. Fucking asshole.

Elegant

"That's so cool! Wow, congratulations. You're going to be killing people soon not because you're going to be f*cking it up, but because they deserve it."

HAHA. Ran into an old friend from a previous lab today. This is probably why we got along so well back in the day. :) Catching up with people is always fun unless it's a bush person. There's something that I do if there is no bush to jump into and I'm forced to talk to them. I keep walking as I'm talking and the conversation will end because I'll eventually get too far away to continue. Don't learn from me, I'm horrible. I ditched all of my afternoon classes to go to Starbucks and work on my lecture that's going to happen about a week from now.

"Ah shoot. My phone just died... Can I go charge it and come back in a second?"
"That's okay. It's on us!"
"What...? Really?"
"Joanna--don't you think we know you by now? You've been coming here to do work every day."

As if I wasn't already in love with Starbucks. Made my day. I swear it's these moments of temporary happiness that keep me going. Also, I'm totally not here every day... It's close though. I only started coming a few weeks ago! They probably only know me because I'm here for an average of 6 hours each time. Yeah, 6 hours. If you assess what I do each day it's really just a lot of sitting. My butt has become very flat and oddly shaped. Anyway, did I tell you guys that to avoid seeing people associated with the school I drive to the Starbucks one town away? I'm not as intense as it seems, it only takes about 7 minutes on the freeway. It's worth it. They close at 11!

Scumbag

Facebook is so stupid. Don't tell me who my close friends are! Sheesh, you would think I'm capable of knowing that much. The suggested family members are infinitely more ridiculous. I got frustrated because there's someone that I'm not pleased with that keeps popping up. Anyway... you guys know that when I go on Facebook it means that I'm big time procrastinating. My PI wants me to lecture at a seminar for an hour+ and I'm trying to think of ways to keep people from dying from boredom while listening to my voice. I think my longest presentation has been 30-40 minutes. You might not think 20 minutes is a lot, but it is. That's equivalent to the length of a show. If I could present in a chicken suit and still be taken seriously I would do it.

Chicken suit gunman is so perfect for today.

I had to go all the way to some lady because she said I couldn't get my diploma. It took me more than thirty minutes to make her understand and she goes, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I see. I'm sorry." For goodness sake. Now I have to make up an hour of work. Wow. I think this is typically how my life plays out. Things that shouldn't be complicated complicate themselves and I end up having to go around cleaning up messes. Do I look like a janitor? What the hell. Sorry, I have nothing against janitors, but I'm incredibly annoyed. You know those times when small things that are irritating add up and you end up wanting to scream because it's completely unnecessary? One of those days. The world is crumbling.

Ugh. I'm going to be here forever. Hopefully burying myself with work will take my mind off of things.

Salem

If I don't want to live past 50 I don't understand why I keep doing things that will prolong my life. I need to stop exercising, but that's also difficult because I don't want to become a tub of lard. If I'm not planning on living for that many more years then I should be sexy for the few years I have left, right? Something like that. Also, I should start smoking, but I don't like the smell of cigarettes. I should probably also start binge drinking, but my body and alcohol do not do well together. The plan is not to induce sudden death, I want it to happen naturally. During my funeral I want people to laugh. I spend most of my life trying to make people laugh, so I think it's fitting. I told my friend to roast me, but she said that it wouldn't be a roast if I was dead it would just be rude and insulting. Anyway, this is difficult. There aren't many things that I like doing that are dangerous. I don't think it's possible to play so much guitar and piano that it'll shave a year off of my life. What I need to do is get into something like rock climbing or skydiving. To tell you the truth I want to die while I'm talking to my friend on the phone or just something that I do and enjoy doing on a daily basis. I want to be laughing and happy when suddenly a meteor falls out of the sky and crushes me to death. It happens.

I'm going to cover this if I have time this weekend. He's really improving! I've been watching his videos since he was 9 I think (he's 16 now)? In a NON-creepy pedophile way, of course.

Suspicion

I bought a tab book about a week ago and I haven't been able to put it down. There are way too many different parts to play. I guess it wasn't meant to be played solo. The problem here is the fact that I don't have anyone to play this with me. The writer probably has a lot of friends. I only have one friend that can play--and that's already including myself. Sad life. 

I think I should apologize to the world in general. Sometimes I say things that can be taken the wrong way, but I say them anyway because I'm stupid. Sometimes I'll say stuff like "Oh my gosh you're almost my favorite person" because I'm being honest... but at the same time I realize that if you're on the receiving end of things you'll probably think something along the lines of "Sorry I'm not good enough. Jerk." I can unintentionally be horrible sometimes, but I never mean anything in a malicious way. Truly. I'm sorry. I only realize what an idiot I am afterwards.

While I'm apologizing I might as well apologize for something else as well. Whenever people talk about the future I get really quiet. What I mean is when people say things like "Yeah, you can play at my wedding!" or "We'll play chess together when we're old!" I don't know how to respond because I'm a very skeptical person. I usually remain silent because in my mind I think things like, "Are we even going to be friends at that point?" or "Will you even want to hang out with me a month from now?" because I find that most people I meet are very temporary, so it's difficult for me to even think about the future. It's not because I don't want to because I usually do--rather, it's a defense mechanism. Even with H I still pause slightly. She then yells at me, "Hey, I hope you know we're going to be old ladies together! Gosh, you make me so mad sometimes!" I have trust issues, probably.

That's so me! The one getting punched, that is...

Why are people always wanting what they can't or aren't supposed to have. Myself included. You know what you should do, but you don't want to because what you want is something else. Ugh. Decisions. I have to confess that... I'm in the middle of a guy conundrum. Life problems.

Slaughter

This is pretty much how I feel about everyone and everything right now. Can you tell I'm avoiding something? I updated so much today... :) Screw this, I'm going to go run.

Stock

Every time the guy downstairs tries to defrost his poultry he jumps around and throws it against the ground. It's incredibly irritating because my whole apartment shakes and it sounds like a murder is occurring down there. I'm not a creep, the only reason why I know he's trying to defrost poultry is because someone is always yelling "Did you get it to separate yet?" or something like that. I swear, in the future I'm just going to buy my own island and then I won't run into these problems that have to do with humanity. I'm really not too pleasant lately. It's probably a combination of sleep deprivation and continual decrease of faith in humankind.

I got over Taylor Swift after High School, but this is too cute. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing people truly happy doing the things they love--half because I'm jealous. They're brothers. My plan is to marry Bruce (orange shirt). There are too many people I want to marry. Whatever, I'll practice polyandry. Monogamy is only successful 50% of the time anyway (seriously, divorce rate is 1/2).

Serendipity

I stayed up all night trying to look for music sheets for a song that I wanted to play. I couldn't find it anywhere, but I was determined. After 62 pages of search results I finally saw it on a Japanese website, but it cost 315円 which is ~3 dollars. I can't believe I had to implement my limited Japanese skills to purchase this thing. I felt like an idiot copy-pasting and typing things into Google Translate. It took about half an hour. Desperate times. My friend said that if I'm just going to play all day I should do it in front of Safeway, so I can at least earn some money. This would be logical, but I don't want people to throw dirty money into my case. Gross.

I don't understand why people would post nice mother's day things on Facebook when their moms don't even have Facebook. It's probably just for appearance. Well, unless their moms really do have Facebook... then I guess it would be justified, but that's kind of a stretch because if I were a mom I would hope that my child has the decency to give me a phone call or tell me in person. I think it would mean more that way, but what do I know I'm not a mom.

Also, for all of you people that gave me such a hard time about liking white roses aka funeral flowers, "the white rose represents purity and innocence... [and is] a symbol of honor and reverence" See?! I'm clearly very pure and innocent... haha! Haters gonna hate.

Selection

I was forced to read an article on soda and how bad it is in terms of metabolic function in the body. It doesn't make sense that after reading it, all I want to do is drink a coke when I haven't had that since middle school.

So... I have a confession. I didn't want to tell you guys because you're going to think I'm ridiculous, but I bought a ukulele a while ago. If anyone has a uke and is capable of playing this duet with me let me know. In reality I just need someone to do the strumming, I can play everything else if necessary--or if you guys know how I can put two videos side by side... help me out here. This is pretty much what I've been doing instead of catching up on sleep this weekend. My hands are literally bleeding, but I haven't stopped. Hard core! More like stupid... I played until 4am last night. I forgot to close my window again and a random group of people clapped for me. Do I look like a community service center? Concerts cost money, people. I'm only joking, I'm not that great. I should probably throw money out at them to apologize for disturbing the silence.

Something

Sunrise is mine because everyone is sleeping. My eye bags have turned into eye sacks. Yesterday was such a long day. I'll be back later, I just wanted to post that really fast.

Standard

"I don't understand you... Why do you do it if you don't want to"
You always make more sense than me. Always. Why do I?
I've made a decision.
I refuse to do it anymore. I'm going to say NO.
I'm not going to contact people because I think we should keep in touch.
I'm not going to hang out with people because they want to hang out with me.
I'm not going to do things because I think it's the right thing to do.

From now on, I'm only going to do what I want to do. I think the greatest contributor to my misery is always being concerned about what other people want and this might seem really stupid because it should be intuitive, but I realized that if people are always putting themselves first why can't I do the same? I don't know why this is so difficult for me (I'm obviously an alien mutation). Making yourself first priority isn't a bad thing, it just makes humans human. The goal here was never to be Mother Teresa anyway. This is my resolve and the beginning to my pursuit of happiness--not the movie because you spell that with a "y." If you realize that I'm starting to deviate from this path, punch me in the face.

Oh my gosh... my aunt and the following conversation:

"What is XOXO?!"
"Haha, what? Why are you asking me this?"
"I ordered something online and their confirmation email said XOXO!"
"It means hugs and kisses..."
"What? I don't get it. Okay, well I was worried because I thought it was alcohol or the sauce..."

HAHA. Too funny. XO sauce is incredibly expensive for no reason. A bottle the size of three fingers is between 12-15 dollars and it doesn't even taste that great. For that kind of money there better be edible gold flakes accompanied with a male stripper in the box.

Sketchy

Why do I always choose the MOST inconvenient days to run out of underwear?!

I can't believe I even wore the weird polka dot one. Augh.

Slander

My PI is incredibly nice to me these days. I'm not too sure if I should start becoming suspicious or just enjoy it.

Recently, I've noticed that I give up at a higher frequency because I think most things are a waste of time. This probably isn't good because there are some things that I think, if I put in more effort, could potentially become something worth sustaining. However, the problem here is the fact that I never believe that things will turn out the way that I want them to even if I do put in more effort, so I don't see the point. There's really no need to make life so difficult. I don't have enough energy, so I'm easily irritated these days. I'm tired... and more often than not there's only dirt at the end of a rainbow anyway--or in the case of my life, there will likely be a giant mound of crap.

Sacrifice

I find it increasingly difficult to concentrate. My brain hurts. This whole day I've felt very horrendous. It's probably due to the lack of sleep. I've felt like someone has been dragging me around by the feet since this morning. I told my friend that I thought all of my cells were going to burst and die at the same time and all that will remain will be a pool of red liquid. She said, "...Well then I'll just turn you into a lava lamp." So gross, but I'm glad you would be willing to stare at my innards for the rest of forever.

Do good people even exist anymore? I don't think I'm a good person... There's only one person I know that I think is a good person, but it might be because I don't know them that well. They may superficially seem like a good person. Humanity is complex in the sense that there is never a black and white, but I used to think so. Good and bad people don't exist. Everyone is gray, though some people will be a darker shade of gray than other people. What I mean is seemingly "good" people most likely have "bad" qualities while seemingly "bad" people may have "good" characteristics as well. If "bad" people do "good" things are they still bad? Would you consider someone "bad" if they kill five people, but save ten people in the process? See? It's hard to draw a definitive line.

I need to stop chewing on ice... my teeth are going to die.

Sanity

"Caffeine is the most widely consumed stimulant in the world. Americans consume an average of ~200mg/day."  Oh please, I consume enough for ten people. I drink enough caffeine to rule the world and then some. 200mg is a little less than the size of a standard pill in case any of you were wondering and one cup of coffee has about 80mg of caffeine--depending on the roast, of course.

My friend eats a lot of cabbage and I came across this slide as I was studying, so I decided to send this to her. I forgot that she's not a science major. Her response was epic, so I thought I would show you guys. I was sitting in the med school library trying to be classy and studious, but ended up laughing like a maniac because of this.

Too many toxins to remember... I'm so lazy... I want to go buy blowfish ovaries at Safeway and poison myself with tetrodotoxin before the midterm, but it's not like they sell any. If only my ovaries were toxic... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, please ignore me. Good grief.

Salmonella

I dropped my ring in the bushes this morning and bent down to try to find it, but I couldn't, so I had to really get in there. I mean, I probably looked like Spiderman with a backpack, but... on the ground. Pathetic. This guy walked by and said, "Are you okay? ...do you need help?" How embarrassing, though my life in general is quite embarrassing to begin with, so this should be expected. At least I can keep you guys entertained. I found it after a while, but I had to stick my arm past a spider web. Desperate times...

People are mean. I sneezed and a girl glared at me. Sorry there's so much dust in the world that has nothing better to do with its life but enter my large nostrils. I bet everyone's on edge because it's midterms week. If I tapped anyone on the shoulder they would probably turn around and bite my head off. There's a girl with red hair talking and I want to punch her for no reason. Maybe I'm on edge too. I hear the color red is supposed to bring out anger. Is that true or does that just mean I'm a bull?

This would be nice right now.

I think the main problem was forcing our lives together when it was never meant to be and now I find that I'm very frustrated at myself because I knew, but I thought that if I tried really hard it would be enough to change the way you think about these things... I was wrong. I feel very... insignificant--like vestigial wings on a fruit fly. It was wrong of me to try to change anything anyway and now every cell in my body is about to burst from frustration and I can't stop thinking about this when I should be studying for my midterms, so thank you for that. 

I think a pimple is about to form in the center of my nose... Augh. Life.

Scandal

Ignore productivity, climb mountains.

I got up really early to climb a mountain--by got up I mean I couldn't sleep. I then skipped class and went to work earlier instead. My friend says I'm getting stupider because I hardly go to class anymore, but it's not like I ever know anything until the day before the midterm anyway, though my mental capacity is decreasing for other reasons. When I got to work I arrived looking like a savage prisoner that had just escaped from jail and had to hide in a jungle for three days eating only insects and drinking sweat. That was very smart of me. Never again. I literally tried to tape my eyes open so I would stay awake. My grad student walked in from my door and she looked at me and said, "...Joanna... Never mind, I should be used to this by now" and walked away. I think looking hideous has been the norm as of late because yesterday my seminar professor was lecturing, but he stopped mid-lecture, looked at me, and said, "You look absolutely horrible!" and asked if I had a midterm. I didn't know it was that obvious. Sadly enough, this is not the first time a professor has called me out for looking horrendous. It is what it is.

I can't believe I just spent 10 minutes of my life drawing that. Good grief, I hope you guys appreciate this. This following week should be worse, so I'll be spending the weekend slaving away. Hopefully motivation will find me soon.

On the plus side, I've been asking for letters of recommendation, which I always hate doing and end up avoiding my inbox for the whole day, but I finally checked and it turns out they responded five minutes after I sent it... "OF COURSE! I would be honored! Let's talk about this over coffee!" I'm happy. I like it when people are willing to do things that they probably don't want to do, but do anyway because they like me. Don't we all?

Saline

Never trust anyone more than 30%.