Fat fridays

You know what? I'm offended. Really I am. I swear to you, my self confidence is already extremely low and now even my stupid computer is making fun of me. Oh sure you think that computers don't have brains of their own, but in reality I'm pretty sure they do. Why else would I receive ads for weight loss on the sidebar of specific internet sites? How demeaning. The majority of the world already constantly tells me that I'm fat do I need this? No. Colon cleanse and Acai berry weight loss treatment; lose 10-15 lbs in a week! Why can't I get pictures of naked people on my ads instead?

Well the worst part of all of this is that I fall for these stupid ads. You know, when they say "see how she did it" and then they put a giant yellow [click here] button that tries to lure you in. Hey, can you blame me? I want to see how she did it. And of course, she did it with drugs. People should just watch what they eat and exercise, that's the best way to lose weight. If you take a bunch of pills you're going to gain back the weight that you lost because it's not a change in lifestyle. It's merely a change in the amount of medication you decide to take. Then again what would I know, I'm not exactly the most credible person to be talking to about weight loss. You'd do better asking Jillian Michaels. I wish I could steal her abs.

I actually have something to look forward to this weekend. I'm so excited. It's going to be a rendition of my birthday. Actually it's just going to make up for the sorry excuse of a pathetic horrible depressing ridiculous birthday that I had on my real birthday. I'm going to eat real food too, and buy myself a cake. But most importantly I get to hang out with my homies. It doesn't mean a thing if there isn't anyone to celebrate with right? Right.

eat yogurt & play telephone <3

Nekkid

Guess what guys? I walked in on one of my suite mates while she was in the shower. Naked. It was around 9:00pm and I was about to take my daily shower. I grabbed my towel and headed towards the shower. I heard no sounds and it seemed like another day. That is, until I opened the door, screamed, and shut it again (I didn't even realize I screamed until another one of my suite mates told me that I did). The door wasn't locked. I must have been in shock. I'm not too sure if that was more embarrassing for me or for her. Well, it could have been worse. Much, much, worse. I suppose we're somewhat "even" now because she had previously walked in on me while I was in the bathroom. Okay no, I'm trying to justify my actions. Shower > bathroom. For sure. Anyway, after this happened I couldn't stop laughing because well, you know me, I laugh when in awkward situations or when I'm nervous (laughter is the best way to hide any emotion). This was definitely an awkward situation (not to mention it really was funny; it wouldn't have been funny if it was anyone else). I mean come on, this is the type of stuff that happens in movies and you never think it's going to happen to you, but here I am once again proving that the stupidity that happens on camera can be duplicated by specific morons in real life. And as usual this idiot would be me. Clap clap clap, applause for me. Doing the impossible once again.

You know you want me to see you naked <3

My love life

A good man is hard to find. Flannery O'Connor knew it, Michelle Obama knows it, and now I too have come to the synonymous conclusion.

I don't need a boy in my life. I think having to rely on guys is just pathetic and those girls that act like complete idiots and are obsessively attached to their boyfriends are equally pathetic. Forget it, I give up. Until these stupid little boys decide to grow up and become men, I'll spend more time with my lovers, Haagen Dazs and Baskin Robbins.

But really, is it so wrong to wish for the fairy tale ending? To have a prince charming sweep you off your feet and to life happily ever after? When I asked my guy friend these questions this is what he said as he rolled his eyes and burst out laughing:

"Yeeeeah Joanna, that's really not going to happen"

Then what about my love life? Non-existent.

drink tea & wear bras (unless you're a guy, please don't) <3

Acknowledge

Yesterday night I had chem lab. During lab our TA handed back the midterms and when I went up to get my exam he looked at my score and said "Wow, good job, everyone should applaud" and he proceeded to make the class clap for me as I awkwardly shuffled towards the chalkboard. I really wanted to dig a hole and throw myself in. I cannot stand it when teachers or whatever over-acknowledge intelligence. A simple good job will do fine. In all honesty I would rather them not say anything at all. I don't think they comprehend the fact that some people don't like being the center of attention which, I guess, is understandable and should be forgiven because the majority of the general public are egocentric, self-centered, warthogs. But still, I'm just saying if any of you guys want to become teachers in the future just remember that 1. no one wants to get killed by their fellow peers and 2. not all people are attention "whores."

And this brings me to 8th grade when we wrote an essay. That was the only essay that we wrote that year and it was a big deal because well, in middle school you don't write essays and when you did, it felt like such a grown up high school type of thing. So finally Mr. Redman finished grading the essays and it was time for him to pass them back to us. The strange thing was, he called everyones name one at a time to walk up to the front of the room to retrieve their papers. Life was normal and everything was fine. That is, until he called my name. I walked up to the front of the room, grabbed my essay, and was about to walk back to my desk, but he stopped me and addressed the class. "This is great, this is a very good essay, blah blah blah blah blah..." I thought that I could literally feel people sticking daggers in me. I stood there silently and couldn't lift my head up to look at the rest of the class. It seemed like an eternity before he finished his ramble "...and so if you guys have any questions you should ask Joanna!" He smiled, and patted my back saying good job. Finally, I returned to my seat, head down, and still wanting to throw myself off the building.

Oh man, middle school seems like eons ago. Ah, how I miss the days where life was simple and the only challenge to getting straight A's was running the stupid mile in P.E.

drink water & nap frequently <3

Whale transformation

As I was eating my salad I decided to watch an episode of The Simpsons even though I never watch that show anymore. I used to watch it religiously, but I stopped because it doesn't make me laugh like it used to which is disappointing. I'm not sure if it was coincidence or fate but the episode that I just finished was centered around a beached blue whale that Lisa named blue-ella which reminded me of myself (hmm... they blew it up after it died...). If this isn't a sign then I don't know what is. I figure, this is going to be my inspiration. By the end of summer I will no longer be a whale (I know this may seem impossible but I'm going to make it happen, at least I'm going to try).

Anyway, I should review a bit before the midterm so that's what I'm going to go do right now.

get hpv shots & dust <3

Waste time

Ah, and the procrastination continues. I suppose I'll resume studying at 8pm or after I finish this post. Whichever takes longer.

Today wasn't that wonderful of a day. I'm talking weather-wise. It was a bit too hot for my liking. If the weather becomes too hot it makes me want to loaf around and do absolutely nothing. Being the strange people that we are my suite mate and I ended up drinking soup and watching a movie on this hot day. I figure we'd be the people sunbathing and eating snow cones in winter, which is perfectly fine with me because that makes us cool and original (either that or we're both fools).

I suppose I've been trying to find every excuse possible to put off studying. I only have one chapter left and I know I can finish it in an hour, but it happens to be the most tedious chapter, hence I can't bring myself to start on it. I started putting it off at 3pm when I decided that the lamp looked kind of dusty. The simple wiping of the dusty lamp turned into a full on obsessive compulsive total-room cleaning experience. While it is nice residing in a clean room, chapter 7.5 has been staring at me telling me that it's not going to do itself. Yet, here I am looking around in attempt to find more things to clean; however, there's nothing left to clean. So I guess this is it. Time to get cracking...

After I shower of course. ;)

use spoons & eat yogurt <3

Put it on

The scores for chemistry are up already. Actually, they were up last night which completely caught me off guard when I clicked on grade book to see if the lab scores were up yet. Instead of my lab score, the first thing I saw was the midterm score. Needless to say, I screamed. But it was a good sort of scream.

Today is such a nice day! All of you guys should go outside and dance around naked. I'll stay inside and watch because no one wants to see me naked. Yes, it's so nice out that even Joanna, the antisocial bat, has left the cave. More than once, mind you (fully clothed of course).

While Spring is my favorite season and I'm loving the current weather, I am a bit apprehensive about this time of year. You see, as the weather becomes increasingly warmer certain girls decide that it's okay to wear fewer and fewer articles of clothing. I don't mean that they're going from sweatshirts to t-shirts, what I mean is that they're going from sweatshirts to these skimpy, pathetic excuses for "shirts" that look more like cut up bras with pieces of thin fabric here and there. And that's if you're lucky. If you happen to be unfortunate they'll skip out on shirts all together and walk around outside in matching bra and panties from Victoria's Secret. On one hand it's understandable that if you have sexy abs like Jessica Alba it means that you've worked hard to maintain it, hence you should have the right to show it off (heck, if I looked like Jessica Alba I would just walk around naked everyday and all the time). However, if you don't, then for the love of God put some clothes on and cover that up.

Then of course we all know about the other end of the spectrum. Those girls that think that they're extremely skinny when in reality they're the polar opposite. Because they think that they're really twiggy, they tend to buy clothes that are too small for them. Way, way, way, too small. Trust me, no one wants to see that. I don't really understand why they do this, maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. I think that if I were really fat to that extent I would be ashamed of myself and I would wear trash bags or other forms of baggy clothing to hide myself from society until I lost weight. Someone should inform them about the truth of the matter. The truth being that buying smaller clothing sizes really isn't going to make them any skinnier. And really, it's not like anyone is going to go around asking you what size shirt you're wearing (well, they might if it's too small and their eyes are burning). Sorry, but unfortunately, it really just doesn't work that way. Don't get me wrong, it would be great if it did, but life can never be that easy because it sucks.

go sock-less & eat yogurt <3

NH4OH

With the chemistry midterm now over with I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Though I'm kind of concerned because I had to guess on two of the multiple choice questions. Okay, you might not think that's a lot but one question is worth 3 points and if I got both of those wrong that's 6 points, which is already a 94. I mean come on... these stupid teachers. If you're going to give us a test, at least give us enough time to finish the stupid thing. Agreed? Well, I'm not completely done with midterms yet. Math is on Monday, but I'm not as worried about math as I was about chemistry. Math is boring, there's only one way to solve a math problem. On the other hand, chemistry problems can be phrased and solved in thirty different ways. Needless to say, I'd pick boring any day.

Chemistry has always been this thing. I'm really not sure why I hate it so much. Oh yeah, now I remember, pre-lab and post-lab. It's ridiculously time consuming and exceedingly unnecessary. Chemistry in high school was so much fun. I guess it wasn't the chemistry that was fun, it was more of the fact that we were in the same class together. However, putting us three in the same class probably wasn't the best idea. During labs we would have DI (deionized water) fights with those plastic blue bottles and of course who could forget spreading the hand sanitizer on the table and lighting it on fire. "Hey there's alcohol in hand sanitizer right? ...let's burn it." Good times. I can't even remember how much glassware we broke during labs, we probably broke something every time we had an experiment. What I do remember is saying "shh SHH, be quiet just throw it away, we can just BS the data." Then there was that one time I broke a thermometer. I thought I was going to die. Actually, we all thought we were going to die. As you all know, thermometers contain mercury. So we inhaled a bunch of mercury gas and started getting dizzy because we had to clean up the broken thermometer while wiping up all the fluid. We considered calling poison control but decided against it because we didn't know what to say "hey... um... so we broke this thermometer and we breathed in the mercury what should we do?" besides they probably would have just told me to rinse my eyes with cold water for 10-15 minutes and take all my clothes off and rinse myself under that suspicious giant green shower-looking thing in the room (also the number that they made us copy down was wrong so if anything serious happened we all would have died anyways).

Anyways, sorry for posting later than usual. I always feel like dying after I take a midterm so I'm in sloth mode at the moment. I'll probably go out and hunt for some food later.

eat salad & charge ipods <3

Burn the weed

Alright, so yesterday was pretty unnecessary. In general, probably the worst... that I've had. But whatever, I think this is what happens when I have expectations. Maybe it's best to not have any. I'll remember that next time. Oh, but there was this one point in which I really couldn't stop laughing after talking with this fool. We were reminiscing on senior year and my first trick-or-treating session (I know, I'm a deprived child). This was when my parents happened to be gone so we stole my mother's clothes and dressed up like Asian moms. Eliza was trying to kill this bug on the wall next to someone's front door because it was bothering her so she kicked it with her foot and consequently ripped my mom's old lady skirt. Song, being the motherly one, decided that she would be able to sew it back together when we got back to my house, which is what she did. My mother never found out. I hope she never does, because that would be pretty difficult to explain. And in the end, that fool didn't even kill the bug.

I refused to do chemistry yesterday. I got through half of chapter 13 and decided to just stop. Because really, how depressing. I'm kind of regretting that right now, but what can I do about it right? Suck it up; that's life.

I finally learned about the origin of 4/20 yesterday after someone told me on the phone. Am I the only one that didn't know how this came about? Well, let me inform you guys. So 4/20 is weed day, pot day, or whatever you want to call it (yeah they try to make it sound all fancy and whatnot by calling it cannabis horticulture day or something like that, but when it comes down to it weed is weed) . It all started at some High School when there were these students that got out of class at 4:10pm and they would meet up by some statue to smoke weed at 4:20pm, hence the day. Anyway, today is Earth day which is substantially more useful. So, go plant a tree or something.

eat carrots without ranch & cut your nails <3

Nom nom nom

Hmm, I'm not too sure how I feel about today mostly because it's Wednesday and it's raining. I guess we'll see how it goes as the day progresses because as of now, it's too early to tell. But today, out of all days, better be freaking amazing.

If you're reading this and you're hungry, then I apologize for what I'm about to do. Because this is what I want today: a giant tiramisu cake from either Paris Baguette or La Patisserie , Marie Callendar's strawberry glaze pie, fresh king snow crab legs from Red Lobster (about 15 of these should do, and 10 to go please), Mrs. Field's cookies (white chocolate macadamian nut of course), creme brulee, and to top it all off a male stripper in a cake. I'm obviously kidding about that last one, seeing if you guys are paying attention or not you know? Please do not send me a male stripper. I swear one of these days someone is going to misunderstand something that I write in here and something stupid will happen. Oh wait, it already did. Well something like that will probably happen again. Just saying as usual.

Have a good day on my behalf because I probably won't. How depressing.

eat cake & Happy birthday Song :) <3

Anger and you

There is so much dust here it's ridiculous... I swear, if I don't touch my keyboard every 5 minutes, a cake of dust forms over it and I have to wipe it all over again which would explain the random allergies that I get only at the dorm.

Have you guys ever noticed that different people act differently when they're angry? I mean there are different types of reactions to anger. There are the people that turn into monsters and start screaming and hitting things, then there are the people that turn dead quiet, and of course there are the people that pretend that they're not angry when they actually are, but, you can tell if you've known them for a while. Which one are you? And which one do you think is worst?

I think I'm kind of a combination of all of them depending on the circumstance... if I'm frustrated I tend to vocalize my err... "concerns" but this is my least dangerous state. If I'm yelling about it, I'm usually over it in a matter of minutes. Then if I'm angry (for real) I'll stop talking completely, but, that's mostly because I know that if I talk, nothing good will come out of it. This is probably when you want to avoid talking to me unless you happen to be like Eliza and you know how to fix everything. If I'm ever mad at you... then you must have done something extremely wrong. Either that or you've done a series of irritating/frustrating things (stuff builds up you know?). Now lastly would be the -pretend that everything is fine even though I'm irritated- which is well, I guess I do this a lot, mostly because so many things irritate me. But you see, the little things that irritate me aren't worth wasting time being angry over so I try not to dwell on whatever it is and pretend that everything is okay. I can usually deceive the people that don't know me well enough to distinguish between "I'm okay" and "I'm going to pretend I'm okay so you think I'm okay even though nothing is okay right now."

The way I see it is this: you can only be angry about something if you care about it. Given that information, the simplest solution would be to stop caring about everything. However, that's not possible because we're human and not robots. In that case, maybe the best solution for everyone is to buy a punching bag and take it out on that instead.

be happy & steal pillows <3

Subtle rock

Alright, I have a bone to pick. I'm tired of seeing this stupid rock on ebay.

The majority of you are probably already familiar with my ebay obsession. If you're not, then let me introduce you to the basics: Joanna meets ebay, Joanna's bank account becomes empty. I'm not too sure what's so addicting about it... if it's the thrill of winning a bid or their ridiculously low prices, especially on electronics. I actually haven't bought anything from ebay since February, which is when I openly admitted that I was an addict. My rehab method? I call Hansol every time I had the urge to buy/bid on something and have her talk me out of it. Of course, out of habit I still check their daily deals to see if there happens to be a good deal on something that I want to buy. It's all coincidence and luck I suppose.

Anyway, about this rock. They keep trying to sell a plastic rock that you hide your house key under in event you lock yourself out of the house, drop your keys in a sewer, get hungry and eat them, etc. you get what I mean. But really, how effective do you think this thing is? Given they're only charging $4.99 for the rock, so how realistic do you think it can be? Here's a link if you don't believe me.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=370356929017#ht_2190wt_1025

I love how in the title it says "--realistic." Come on now, who would be stupid enough to hide their key under this fake rock. It doesn't even matter if it's realistic-looking (which it isn't). Seriously, if I saw a single rock in front of a door this is what I would think 1. wow look at that ONE suspicious rock in front of the door step... golly gee, I wonder what could be under it 2. I could totally walk into their house right now if I wanted to 3. stupid, stupid people. I would say definitely go with the key in the flower pot, the key in the tomato bed or my favorite, the key in the rollerblades.

Also! Banana's summer collection is out! It's pretty amazing I must say, so cute... Of course I'm not going to buy any of it until it's on sale, besides I spent too much money this past weekend. Hey, what can I say, why buy things at full price when you can wait for a while and buy it for dirt cheap... like those strawberries that they try to sell you at the side of the road (seriously though, don't buy those they put chemicals in them).

countdown 51 days & listen to the birds <3

Baby mama

So instead of progressing on chemistry yesterday afternoon as I planned, I took my cousins shopping and I bought a mountain of Banana (the most exciting event: there was a jacket that was on sale original price 98 I got it for 22 whoot whoot). And of course, I finally bought new flip flops (this was kind of the purpose for going shopping). My preference are the leather flip flops from A&F but they had 60 dollar strange-looking ones... it kind of looked like they shot a bird and stuck it on the flip flop so I decided to look around further. I walked into Hollister (Hollister and A&F = same company) to look for a wider variety, in which I did find. Suddenly some guy shouts out "Joanna!" and bombards me with a hug. I was so confused but after a minute or so I realized it was Ryan. Haven't seen that guy in ages. It must have looked strange because these two middle schoolers were following me around. I really wanted to shout out, "Not my kids!" but that probably would have made it more awkward, I felt like one of those crazy people on Maury, you know the ones that are like "Mm child those ain't my kids girl, you don't even know!". Yeah, yeah, I look pregnant on a daily basis, but come on guys that one's too easy don't bother. Did anyone else know Ryan works at Hollister? Anyways that wasn't relevant, just a random occurrence for the day.

Great. Another unproductive weekend. However, I have been overdosing on Enderlye's videos so hopefully I'll turn into the master of Thermochemistry before the midterm. Seriously though, I'm never going to go back the weekend before a midterm again. Bah. Shame on me. I'm behind on being ahead! Noooo!

do homework & play drums <3

Dental care

How frustrating. Yesterday was a total waste of time. I ended up sitting in traffic for an hour on my way to San Jose because some idiot decided to crash his truck on I-80 which we all know is the smallest freeway in the world. So of course they decide to close all three lanes. I literally had my car in park for 45 minutes as I fell asleep listening to NPR (yeah, yeah I'm a nerd but you all know this already) which was broadcasting the car accident and traffic situation that I was sitting though (does that make me a celebrity? ...I can wish right?). Finally, they open up two lanes so that cars can drive through, but by then I've already wasted an hour of my life. Great. I wonder if I'll make it to my dentist appointment in time.

I ended up driving for three hours again. I arrived at my dentist's office at exactly 3:54pm for my 4:00pm appointment. Just in time! Or so I thought. The receptionist waves at me and tells me that I'm going to have to wait for another hour because the person in front of me is taking longer than usual. Ugh. Fine. So I sat down and waited for someone to call me. By then I was so exhausted that I fell asleep and being the smart person I am, I chose to use the plastic tree on the side of the room as a pillow. In the middle of my slumber, the plastic tree fell over. Everyone looked at me with a "what the freak who knocks over a plastic tree" stare. Apparently I do. Yeah, don't be jealous all of the cool people are doing it... sigh... why am I so challenged?

Eventually, the dentist examined my teeth. I expected him to start slicing away at the gum because that's what he said he would do last time. However, he told me that he wanted to change my old filling to the white one because the silver fillings cause damage to teeth. I really didn't care for this procedure because my sole purpose for going there was to get my infected gum chopped open. Unfortunately, he pressured me into changing my filling and then told me to pay 60 dollars up front after he was done. He then told me that he would refer me to the other doctor in order take care of the stress-induced gum infection. Great. The next available time that fit my schedule was in June. He said he would contact me if there were any cancellations. Until then I guess my gum will slowly rot away.

I'm going to take my cousins to Korean Tofu House in exactly 5 minutes. Mm delicious. This is what happens when my aunt is gone. I spoil them. Probably not a good thing, those stinking middle schoolers.

Oh, and one last update. The speaker system has arrived and it is absolutely amazing. I'm drooling at the sound quality at this very moment. I believe that was a good investment, thanks for helping with the decision. But, I must confess that I cheated and bought the audio receiver as well (heh heh heh). Does anyone know how to assemble this thing? I really don't want to spend 25 more dollars to get it installed. Can I bribe anyone? I'll make a three course dinner for the person that can successfully put this in my car without breaking anything. I mean, I'd show some leg but I'm pretty sure no one wants to see that.

don't forget to eat & sleep earlier (says my aunt) <3

Talking that-

I refuse to skip discussion again. I told myself over 20 times that I have discussion tomorrow, even though it skipped it unintentionally last week, I still feel guilty. I even emailed my TA and told him that I was sorry that I failed at life... he replied three days later saying "Oh, okay," basically. Then I kind of felt like an idiot because I really don't think he cared or knew that I wasn't there.

Let me interrupt this blog just to say that this girl is so mean to me :( all I want is a hug is that so much to ask for? Crazy gangster.

Anyway, as I was saying... Yes. I will not fail this time now that I know I have discussion.

My dentist appointment is at 4pm today so we'll see how that goes... I'm still not sure which option I should take so I guess we'll see about that too. I'll let you guys know how that goes as well.

As for the ongoing situation. My aunt flew down 7pm Thursday night... I mean it's comforting knowing that someone else it there but in these situations I'd feel more at ease if I were there too.

drive safely & spray Febreeze clean linen after #2 please <3

Stuffing

Well I'm sitting here staring at the "food" in front of me and I'm wondering to myself whether or not I should eat it. It looks a bit mysterious to me... I swiped it at the junction and it's called "stuffed tomato." Now, when I think of a stuffed tomato I feel like it would be a sort of sun dried tomato seasoned with herbs and the stuffing would also be some sort of well seasoned meat. However, what's in front of me is a rather large tomato with a scoop of tuna topped with one single olive. On the side lies two pieces of raw broccoli (how people eat broccoli without steaming/boiling it I will never understand). Does that sound safe to you? In order to not waste food, I ate it, and it was disgusting. But whatever, I haven't really been feeling like eating lately. I don't know why. Okay I do know why it's just I don't want to release that information to the world. To me, eating has now become more of a tactic necessary for survival rather than a luxury done in leisure.

Banana Republic is having a huge sale because of 1. tax day and 2. spring collection. They have such good timing... they must know my mood and when I need to shop online, such perfect timing... I even get free shipping. Oh the joy :)

It's getting better but at the same time it's still sad. I wish I could be there.

breathe & go to class <3

Rage

Why are there so many types of rage? Korean rage, road rage, work rage, Raging waters. Ha, really though, the world would be so much better without all of this rage. Okay, road rage is understandable because seriously, sometimes people are just so stupid, they need to learn how to drive.

Korean guys have problems. It must be some type of genetic disorder because nearly every Korean guy that I know gets mad over the stupidest occurrences and then they become violent and start hitting things while swearing in Korean. Maybe they're just insecure. However, I'm sure Hyun Bin doesn't have Korean rage, mostly because he's too cute to be angry. Even when he is angry, he's still cute. Ahh.

Work rage is probably not a good idea if you want to keep your job. I'm trying to think of an instance in which work rage could benefit you and I can't, so unless you want to join the growing unemployment rate (California 12.8%) keep your anger to yourself in the workplace and buy a punching bag to use at home.

I could use a punching bag... or a large box of tissues and A Walk to Remember... bleh

charge your phone & wear aprons <3

Rise and shine

I'm sitting on a bed waiting for my suite mate to finish showering so we can go to class. She plans on taking a five minute shower, which is abnormal for her, but, I guess that's what you get when you really want those extra 10 minutes of lying around in the bed. I was awaken at 6:00am to the sound of slamming doors (in all honestly I'm not sure if they were slammed as much as I'm sure that senses are heightened once you wake up, which is why I go creeper status whenever people are sleeping... the fact that the doors here close with loud sounds doesn't help the situation). This means I woke up slightly irritated. But what can I say, story of my life.

Now she's out of the shower. Incredible. This has got to be a record. 4 minutes. That's more than what I can say for my other suite mate who happens to be assuming the usual position: sprawled across the bed mumbling incoherently, "I don't wanna go to class today; blood, I'm hella tired." When does that girl ever want to go to class.

And there you have it. That's my morning.

At least she can write with her left hand right? That's good?

Sigh.

wear shoes & socks <3

Blah

So things have gotten better. No, that's a lie. It probably just seems that way because of the fact that I have more distractions to prevent me from thinking about the topic at hand. The situation has not gotten any better, in fact it has become worse. However, I'm trying very hard to distract myself so that I think about it less... that is, until I'm alone. I kind of wish I could hide somewhere and come out only after everything is over.

I also wish I were a turtle... or maybe an ostrich...

meh. <3

Whatever

It's easier to pretend that everything is okay when you're constantly surrounded by people. I suppose it's because no one likes the grumpy old fart that ruins the mood. Maybe you're happier around people because you feel pressured to do so. Or maybe it's the fact that you don't want people to know what's really going on inside your mind.

Whatever. I can't do this.

whatever <3

Nothing matters

I called it. I knew that it would be bad. April is just bad. Everything is bad. Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. This is too much for one day. I feel like throwing up, ripping out my hair, and screaming. I've read through the email 4 times hoping that I misread something and that it was some kind of mistake.

It's not fair. Life really isn't fair. Things happen and you think that they're not going to happen to you or the people around you, but they do, and it sucks. And what am I supposed to do about it? I can't do anything about it. To feel so utterly helpless is frustrating. What's worse is I can't even call the one person that I need to call and should have called right away. Why? Because I'm a chicken and because I don't want to feel more crappy than I already do. And that makes me hate myself even more because that means I'm a selfish turd.

The only thing that can take my mind off this is homework and drowning myself in homework is exactly what I've been doing. I need a friend. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful because I am, but at this moment, the phone calls aren't really working (thanks guys, I appreciate the attempts though). Anyone want to come here and tell me that everything is going to be okay? (even if it's not going to be okay you can lie to me, I don't mind)

For the past two days I've had 4 apples and about 20 bottles of water (yes, it's possible to deceive your body into thinking that it's full). So if it weren't for my suite mate that forced me to eat a sandwich yesterday I probably would have been dead on the ground a while ago... which I would actually prefer to my raging headache that doesn't want to go away despite the fact that I've already taken between four-six Tylenol extra strength tablets (lost count). I'm trying to convince myself that there are still things to be grateful for; however, life is so disappointing that everything that is negative completely overshadows anything that is good.

I must apologize for the fact that this post is so "meh" and all over the place. My brain is unable to function at the moment so you guys might have to bear with me for the next week or so depending on when I decide I need to stop moping around and feeling sorry for myself.

How many pills would it take to get rid of all the pain in the world? Tell me, I'd gladly pay for each one.

do whatever the bloody hell you want, life is too short <3

Omg hella stupid

I was right. I really called that one. Yesterday really was a bad day. Even though it wasn't a Wednesday it was still bad. I woke up and I knew right away. Then this whole "bad day" fiasco might lead into today because this is what happened this morning. I woke up to wake my suite mate up at 7 and then I went back to my bed to just lie there. A few things happened (I'll tell you over the phone if you like) and then I finally decided to get out of bed (this was around 9:43am). As I'm changing I realize... Crap! I just missed my NAS (native american studies) discussion which was from 9-10. That was so dumb. So of course I emailed my TA and told him I'm sick. Because in reality I am sick. Sick of life, that is.

Does anyone else usually get sick around April? I swear, something bad always happens around this time.

Freshman year of High School I got ear infection and we happened to be on the swimming unit of PE. The lousy PE teacher made me put my head underwater even though I told her I was sick. The next day I went to the doctor and he said that I now had a water bubble in my ear. I couldn't hear anything out of my left ear and it was really scary. I remember performing the Romeo and Juliet skit like that thinking that everyone was speaking really quietly while I was shouting. Why I won the award for Friar Lawrence is beyond me, maybe he was half deaf too. Eventually, I got the liquid drained out of my ear and everything was better.

Junior year of High School I got Pneumonia and 3/4 of my left lung was infected. I wonder if anyone still remembers that... The only one that I think would actually remember something like that is Eliza, mostly because I was at her house coughing out phlegm and infecting her with my disease (what can I say, friends are supposed to share everything). Don't worry I only got her sick, Pneumonia isn't contagious. Anyway, the only reason why I even went to the doctor was because when I ran up the stairs at my house, I became extremely out of breath. Although I'm a fat kid I'm usually alright if I run up a flight of stairs. After I went to the doctor he had a "wtf" look on his face because he would think that anyone with common sense would go to the doctor's office before 3/4 of their lung became non-functioning. Ha. Little does he know I lack common sense when it comes to my own well being.

So you guys can see the root of my worries right? Do you see the trend? It's every other year something big happens. I don't get sick on a regular basis but every other year in April something huge occurs. Unfortunately, this happens to be the year. I think that something bad might happen in the near future. And there you go, my bad day has turned into a bad month.

Alright I have to go get ready for class, I wouldn't want to miss Chemistry too.

plant guavas & look out the window <3

Push it

Have you ever woken up with that feeling in your throat? You know, the one that makes you think, "Oh crap, I'm getting sick." Well, I woke up to that this morning (that and my stuffy room that smells increasingly like moth balls as the days progress). And of course, if you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy (which I'm assuming means feeling like crap), then the rest of your day will follow accordingly. In that case, today should be interesting. At the moment I'm overdosing on vitamin C in hopes that this is all a mirage and that I won't fall ill and die in the near future.

I'm going to reveal a secret to you guys... I'm insane. Ha, I bet all of you knew that already. But okay for real, my secret is that I really suck at getting close to people because once I feel like I'm getting to close, I have the tendency to push myself away (or I push other people away, whatever is more convenient). People always think that I'm really easy to talk to and after a few brief conversations they believe that they've known me all their lives (this could be because I don't do that thing where you hide who you are and pretend to be someone else). Well, this is not the case. Caring about people is a scary and messy business. If you care about someone it means that you're giving him/her the power to hurt you; and this is why if I find myself caring too much about people, I try to put distance between that person and I (hey, this is reasonable because no one likes getting hurt). I don't think that I can say that I'm close to someone unless I have tried pushing them away and failed. Meaning that I've pushed them away but they refused to be pushed away. Only when I'm absolutely certain that they're going to be there for me no matter what, can we then establish a relationship (leave me alone, let me be corny). What can I say, I've had the same group of close friends since Middle School which essentially makes me a boring person, but I wouldn't change that for anything.

overdose on vitamins & punch pillows <3

Lub-dub

Yesterday was Tuesday, the best day of the week (I love how it's followed by the worst day of the week, sigh). So much for being productive. I planned on getting further ahead with my studies but I ended up talking to some fool for eight hours instead. Such an efficient use of time. I guess once in a while being counterproductive is alright; I mean, how else are you going to be a rebel? I think that's why I used to love procrastinating so much. It's the adrenaline that runs through your body as your pen rapidly scratches on paper and the teacher slowly approaches your desk, preparing to check that you completed the homework assignment. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, don't even pretend that you've never encountered this experience before (and if you really haven't... you're missing out, mate).

Then, most of the stupid things that people do in life are driven by adrenaline. Why would you go sky diving? Jumping out of a plane is totally counterintuitive, putting your life at risk is really not what you're meant to do. So why do people do it? It's for the rush. The adrenaline that they feel when they jump out of a plane negates the actual fear that they have and makes them think that this is "fun."

Maybe that's why people fight so much. Not only in gangs or the ghetto. I'm talking about the general public on a day to day basis. Why would you yell at your boss if you know it won't result in anything good? Why would you fight with your spouse over things that don't matter? Why would you argue with a cashier just to save that extra dollar? It's for the thrill! Even P!nk knows... "na-na-na-na-na-na I want to start a fight" (for some strange reason, I always want to fight with people when I'm on my period; somehow I've been able to tone that down here and I haven't punched anything yet; however, the first to go would be... that).

So today, live for the thrill! (but don't do anything stupid because I don't want to be held responsible and I'm too broke to be sued)

bake a cake & don't do drugs for the thrill <3

Tears of pain

As of late, I started using myself as a test subject again. This time I tested out different types of mouth wash. After going to the dentist, he told me to use ACT. I've never heard of that brand before and being the skeptical person I am, I decided to try out other types of mouth wash first. I bought Listerine total care (the purple one that people in commercials look so happy to use), this random orange Listerine, Scope, and of course I got ACT too because he said I should.

I used ACT first and it was surprisingly nice. It had no nasty aftertaste and no sting. Now I understand why he told me to use it. Never question the professionals. Scope is just scope. I'm pretty indifferent towards it. Now Listerine. I have a bone to pick with Listerine. My goodness. The orange Listerine had a strange after taste... actually it had a strange taste in general and I don't think I would ever use it again. However, the worst one was probably the Listerine total care. I mean, I'm sure it works but #1 it had a strange taste--sort of like an overpowering mint flavor--where they took all of the mints on the face of the Earth and crammed it into the little bottle of mouth wash and #2 it hurt; it really hurt I was trying to rinse it in my mouth but I was unable to do so. As my tongue became numb, drool started coming out of my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes (kind of like when you burn your tongue on soup except this was all over). Too much info? Sorry, but I speak the truth.

wear a hat & play chess 8) <3

Sprinkle?

Driving yesterday night was horrible. I hope no one else had to experience that because I thought I was literally going to die. The fact that you're reading this right now probably means that you're alright so that's good (unless you're reading my blog on a bed in a hospital recovery room... creepy; but, dedicated I'll give you that).

The rain was moderate and manageable until it started hitting the windshield like rocks being launched out of a bazooka. Even with head lights, seeing the car in front of me was a difficult task. I could not do it, I had to drive with both hands on the wheel (as the majority of you know, I only drive with one hand on the wheel... bad habit I guess, of course I didn't take the driving test like that). It felt pretty intense. For what seemed like countless miles I clenched my teeth, gripped the steering wheel, and squinted through the glass hoping that I wouldn't die just yet. Guided only by the reflectors on the ground and primal intuition, I drove into the dark abyss.

I haven't written like that in a while (I kind of miss it). It might seem a bit over-dramatized; though in reality, it was pretty bad, no lie. It stopped raining when there were only 27 miles left and I got all excited... that is, until I approached a giant wave of traffic (12 miles to go). What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into 3. It was kind of exciting (minus the part where I thought I ran over an animal... it might have just been a bump in the road, at least that's what I'm going to tell myself).

don't listen to weathermen & eat mixed berries <3

Ugh, shut up

People drive me insane. Actually let me rephrase that, the general public drives me insane. I forgot to tell you guys about what happened in my Chemistry class on Friday so let me touch up on that right now.

It was a cold and dreary day, the sun was hidden from view and rain had begun to fall from the sky. Typical. I walked into my class and sat down. Luckily, Chemistry went by relatively quickly, that is, until the last twenty minutes of class. Some guy in the back of the classroom raised his hand to ask a question. I wouldn't have cared if it was a valid question but he wanted to know why there was a negative sign in front of the equation (qsystem = -qsurrounding). This is an equation. You don't question equations, they are a state of being! So, the teacher had to explain why there was a negative sign in front of the equation for five minutes and the guy in the back of the classroom kept questioning her explanation. I thought I was going to explode in my seat as I clenched both my fists and my teeth. Finally, it was over. He finished being a jerk and the teacher told him to come see her after class if he had any further questions. Thank goodness, I thought to myself; that is, until a girl raised her hand to ask why there was a delta V in another equation (deltaE= - PdeltaV, and obviously if the volume doesn't change you have nothing to measure because they're both constant and then it wouldn't be an equation, idiot). It's a bloody equation you stupid stupid girl. You take numbers, you plug them into the equation, and you get the answer. That's all there is to it. Oh, man. Sitting there listening to this was so frustrating. It's at these times when students think that they're smarter than the professors (who have phD's, mind you) that bothers me the most. I was so close to getting out of my seat and leaving, until this gangster-looking guy in front of me turns around and yells out, "Why the hell are you even asking these questions, they're equations. Damn, just shut up." Everyone was grateful, there was silent laughter and smiles all around, it was epic and amazing. At that moment that guy was a hero. Even the teacher was smiling, and that made my day so much better.

As for this weekend. Probably one of the most unproductive weekends of my life. I really need to stop sleeping and get some stuff done. I planned on finishing the "suggested homework" for Chemistry (and we all know that suggested is code for: if you don't do it you're going to fail and become miserable), but I didn't do it. Oh, well it's easter.

eat candy & steal eggs from children <3

Little things

Hollywood over-dramatizes situations or events. They give people false hope. After watching movies, people think that one day, prince charming really will show up outside their window to serenade them and bring them roses (given, this would be kind of nice; it's really not going to happen). Think about the poor guys though. Because of this, they're expected (by their counterparts) to dish out all sorts of grand gestures that can't be from movies or else girls will assume that they are lazy and can't think up creative ideas of their own.

Admittedly, I too, love grand gestures (mostly because it's very touching to know that someone would put in that much effort to do something for you). However, I never assume that they're going to occur and I wouldn't be upset if they didn't happen. What I'm more interested in are the little things. What I mean is when people remember the little things that you tell them; the little things that you think people don't pay attention to, and you expect them to forget the moment you tell them. This is because if they remember, it means they're listening and they care (and it makes me go "awww" I know I'm lame; leave me alone).

During Freshman year of high school, I was talking to someone in passing about a random CD that I've been wanting for a while. I told him that I was finally going to buy it over the weekend and that I was really excited. I shouted out to him on my way to class "I'm going to get the new ___ CD on Saturday!" (I forget what CD it was). The next day he comes up to me and says "Hey, I went to Circuit City yesterday and I saw this so I just got it for you." And that, was one of those "awww" moments, that made me really happy. You know, it doesn't even have to be CD's. Someone could remember my favorite dental floss and I would still think "awww, how sweet." That's my preference; I'm just saying, as usual...

take jump pictures & use chopsticks <3

Pop pop

There's something about popcorn that makes it ridiculously versatile. I mean, you can eat it salty, you can eat it sweet, you can eat it extremely sweet. You know what I'm getting at here? So on one hand you have the salty side, the whole buttery, salty, and in some cases covered with seaweed (yeah, I know it's strange but Japanese people like to experiment... it's not as nasty-tasting as it sounds). On the other end of the spectrum there's the sweet side. This starts from kettle corn and works its way up to the ultra-sweet popcorn coated in caramel or chocolate that you find in large quantities. How does this work? How can popcorn possibly take on so many forms? Heck if I know, I just know that I've been craving kettle corn for the past week and I am determined to get some at the farmer's market this weekend (and while I'm at it, I might as well get some fresh fruits).

Well, that was one of those random cravings that everyone gets from time to time. I just thought I would share that with you all.

lie down in the grass & pick weeds <3

Follow me

I'm so sad. I want to crawl up into a ball and just die for a while. The UC system has failed me once again. I waited outside the biology lab that I wait-listed for for an hour and a half and ended up not getting the class. Wonderful. Now I'm behind in both biology and chemistry. Thank you limited funding and budget cuts. You don't understand, I would have donated my lung to get into a bio class. Okay, no that's a lie; I'm lying, I wouldn't give away my lung I'm not crazy. However, I would donate a kidney or a portion of my liver to get into any class that I bloody want to get into for the duration of my college years because seriously, this is ridiculous. This is just freaking ridiculous. Woo. Deep breath. Rant over. I'm never going to complain about classes again. I have now fully accepted the fact that life sucks and I must deal. Alright, I'm over it.

I was thinking randomly the other day and I realized that I've almost gotten kidnapped twice in my life. The first time was at a church outing in which we went by a lake to fish. One man that was fishing saw me as I was roller blading and stopped me and asked me if I fished. I told him that my uncle taught be a long time ago and he asked me if I wanted to take some classes or join a tournament (something like that, I don't remember exactly because I think I was four or five). The man told me to follow him to his car so that he could give me a pamphlet. Being the stupid idiot I was, I followed him. Thankfully, one of the older guys at church saw the stranger leading me towards his car and called out to me. And here I am, not kidnapped.

The second instance was actually only a couple years ago (I know, this is ridiculous but I didn't think that the guy was trying to kidnap me at the time). I was waiting to cross the street to go to my friend's house and there was a blind man there. He asked me what time it was and I gave him the time. He then asked me if I could lead him to the side of Blockbuster and he grabbed my arm so I just led him to the side of Blockbuster. He then asked me if there were any people inside of Blockbuster. I didn't see any but this is when I realized that something suspicious was going on, so I lied and stated that there were around seven or eight people inside. He let go of me and walked away. That was really scary though (and I can't believe Grace's mom saw me, Grace called me five minutes after to see if I had been kidnapped... haha).

Lesson for the day: don't talk to strangers and be an idiot, like me (hey, at least I didn't take any candy from them, though if they had any I probably would have, being the fat kid I was [am] and all)

pick flowers & go April fools someone <3