Fear factor

I wonder if everyone is afraid of something. I may pretend that there is a solution to everything, but in reality not everything is solve-able. Although my philosophy is that there's nothing hard work and perseverance cannot conquer I'm not too sure what can conquer fear. If there's anything that I found out about myself it's that I'm afraid of many things. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of those giant golden beetles that fly into my room in the middle of the night, and I'm afraid of not being able to become the person that people expect me to be. The list is virtually endless. None of these fears have solutions (minus the giant beetle thing, my friend is kind enough to kill them for me, thank goodness... she thinks that I'm stupid because I refuse to close the window at night even though I know that they're going to come and eat me; I would listen to her, but it's just so hot...).

The reason why I would bring this up is because I recently spent 300 dollars on MCAT books. I have eight sitting on my desk and I'm awaiting the arrival of three more (stupid idiots had to split up all of the sections to earn more money). Every time I lift up my head, all I see is my future taunting me. What I can't figure out is whether or not this is really what I want. For those of you that have known me since sixth grade know that I have wanted to become a surgeon since then; but, the lingering questions in the back of my head remain: What if I fail the test? What if I can't become a surgeon? What if I'm not good enough? And because I have this fear I have also been afraid to open the books. I feel as if I don't open the books I don't have anything to be afraid of.

Because if I fail, what am I supposed to tell my grandma? She has always supported me. Always. Recently she revealed that she put aside money for me to go to medical school. If I disappoint her there is absolutely no way I could live with myself.

Sorry guys, I'm having a minor panic attack. It'll probably blow over after I think about this for a couple more days. In the end, I know that I'm going to have to tell myself to suck it up, stop whining, and succeed.

If you do have any fears I hope that they are giant golden beetle fears and not ones without solutions.

hug pillows & stamp cards <3