Tornado

Why are my friends like this? Ridiculous. I heart you too. I heard that people are typically friends with people that are most similar to them--as in ideology, which is true, but quiet people are never close friends with other quiet people and the same is true for people that talk a lot. Actually, quiet people are never quiet after you get to know them, it's just that most people don't bother. Most of the time they end up being crazier than you are. I like quiet people more. Does that mean that I talk a lot? -_- I'm not even going to try to deny that. I tend to talk endlessly about random things. Maybe that's why I get this a lot, "I feel like I've known you for 15 years even though I just met you." What I'm usually thinking is "Hahhhhhh. No." but I respond with laughter instead.

I'll tell you guys a secret. I have a magical power. If I talk to someone for five minutes I'll know immediately whether or not they're a good person and if I want to be friends with them. Creepy right? My intuition is usually accurate which saves me a lot of time, but there are people that are harder to read. As usual, I only have useless magical powers. I was in class lab and we were vortex-ing to separate a mixture and my friends couldn't understand why mine was separating and theirs weren't. They told me to vortex their samples and it ended up separating and they were completely amazed. "WOAHH! You have like.. magical powers! You're so good at vortex-ing!!" What a sad thing to be a good at. This is what my life amounts to.

I have no more underwear. I'm so devastated. :( I really didn't want to do laundry in this weather, but I don't think I have a choice... unless I... HA. I'm kidding. Laundry on a Friday night! I'm so exciting, wow. 

Oro

Oh man. Close call. This girl wanted me to send her pictures of our fat cells through SMS. She kept pushing for it "Just text it to me!" even when I told her I would email it to her. I need to think of a more elegant way to say "Uh, no because that means you'll have my number you creep..." I ended up convincing her that email was better suited for the task as I could send her multiple pictures at once. I'm typically pretty good at avoiding these situations because I hate giving people my number unless I think that by talking to them/being around them I will be happier than when I'm alone (one of my philosophies if you guys remember...). I also hate giving people my email address, but this is unavoidable given the technology driven society. Even so, I only check my school email once a day which probably isn't too smart because I find that I show up to classes that my professor's have cancelled and arrive at classrooms to realize the location has changed.

This is what she wanted. They're really pretty right? 

These past few days have been really windy and it rains a lot. I don't really mind. I like the sound of rain and I like petrichor. It's relaxing and it makes me smile. As long as my jeans don't get wet there will be no complaints from me. The one thing that scares me is that recently there have been these weird noises coming from my vent. It's probably just tree branches or rain induced noise, but I feel like there's a bird clawing around in there. Logically, it makes no sense, but I still jump every time because I'm a useless person.

This is life

I'm conducting a study. The topic I chose is life. I'm asking my subjects to describe life in one sentence, but no one is taking me seriously and they keep giving me crappy responses like "This is Sparta" which... Well, I guess life is kind of like Sparta. I have received a few responses that are rather profound, so I thought I would share one with you guys.

"I live by the words of Viktor Frankl: since pain, guilt, and death are inevitable the key is to make them work for you; use pain to make yourself more compassionate, guilt as a resolve to become the person you want to be, and death as provocation to cherish life."

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Frankl, but he was an Austrian neurologist/psychiatrist that survived the Holocaust. Other than that and the fact that he wrote Man's Search for Meaning, I don't know much more about him. If you're curious here you go. I know, I know random useless things. Actually, there was this girl that called me out on it because they didn't know what those people that kill animals and stuff them are called and I walked by, overheard them, and said taxidermist. "...wow, how did you know that...?" Cue awkward laughter and stealthy escape route. 

Here's mine:

Through these years I’ve come to realize that the world is a horrible place filled with horrible people that I’m forced to interact with and that happiness is a pragmatically impossible rarity, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, so life is about finding things, whether it be people or objects, that make me happy in order to displace or negate the iniquity of the world.

Snow

It needs to be Christmas already... One of my favorites.

I'm working on jazz improvisation. I'm doing everything in one take. I'm really rather horrible. I think that's the problem with being classically trained... you're always reading sheet music, so you don't think about chord harmonization; you merely play, though I guess that's already pretty difficult if you're trying to play Tchaikovsky or Liszt. The keyword here is trying. I play those like a snail. This is the pro.

This paper needs to write itself. I need to go to work. Thursdays are horrible.

Traffic

I'm such a creep. Okay, so you guys know how my memory is ridiculous right? I remember these details from people's lives and it's gotten to the point where even I think that I'm creepy. Two months ago this girl in my class told me that she borrowed an umbrella from someone and today she had the same umbrella. I asked her something along the lines of "You still haven't given that back yet?" and she was kind of creeped out that I remembered that. I didn't sleep last night, so I wasn't thinking about being creepy and blurted it out.

I don't know why I remember these things because I don't want to. I think the norm is to forget things about people right? Most people are so focused on themselves that they don't remember anything unless it directly pertains to their lives. At least I assume that no one remembers anything about me, but that also might be because people are usually too busy complaining to me about their lives to bother asking me anything about mine which is completely fine because I don't think it's necessary to talk about myself unless I actually want to be friends with whoever I'm talking to. I find that I have to actively force myself to forget things and even then it doesn't really work. If you told me your birthday a year ago I'll remember it, but I'll usually pretend like I had no idea. I also have to ask people the same things twice (like which classes they're taking) even though I already know, in order to not seem like I stalk them. I then have to remember how many times I've asked them the same question, so I don't seem like an idiot either. You guys think it's a good thing to have a good memory, but it's really not. It's so tiring. I wish I could get all of this useless information out of my mind and think about zen gardens and those stacked rocks instead of what that person I talked to five months ago eats for breakfast. She eats yogurt with granola and half a banana if anyone was interested.

There was a girl screaming outside my apartment. I was peeking through the blinds. I'm still trying to figure out if it was child abuse or domestic violence. A bunch of police cars and firemen arrived at the scene. That was probably the most excitement I've witnessed in the past few years.

What else did I do today... hmm I had another 3 hour phone conversation with H. I don't understand how she understands me. It doesn't even make sense. Maybe I should stop analyzing and just be thankful.

Strange things happen if I don't sleep.

Luggage

I wish I was rich enough to own my own orchestra. I would force them to follow me around all day and every time I walk into a room I would make them play this because it would make life so much more interesting. Then I would subsequently raise my head and smile creepily (not that I don't already look like this) and everyone would think that I'm out to kill them and run away from me (not that they don't already do this). I guess essentially all I need is an orchestra... sad life. How cool would that be though, New York Philharmonic following me to class. One day I'll be good enough to play with them. I may need to isolate myself in a room with a piano for three years, but one day...

My professor told my TA to be nice today. She looked angry after he said that. That made me happy. Small victories keep me going.

Probably no sleep tonight... it will behoove you to avoid talking to me tomorrow. The irony/paradox of it all: some people say that they like me better when I'm sleep deprived because of my sporadic bursts of energy. I think you guys are mistaking it for energy when in reality it's more like borderline insanity.

I dislike you

I just don't understand why she's so angry at the world. You know, I had a legend in the first one and she took points off and now I put separate figures and she takes points off. I don't know what the crap she wants from me. There's no winning with her. I'm incredibly frustrated, but I would rather not talk to her because I don't like her. By ignoring her I am preventing a murder... though if I don't do it someone else is bound to. No one likes her. Also, if you're going to insult my intelligence at least spell correctly. Dictionaries are free, bro. Her arrogance and condescending mannerism... I'm sick of this. I'm sick of lousy TA's. I don't understand why it's so difficult to not be a horrible person. I'm not even asking for her to be nice; any possibility of that happening was gone after the first day. I just want her to not be so horrible, but apparently that's too much to ask for. I wish I were more American-like so that I could sue the school for mental and physical distress. Do you know how harrowing it is to constantly fluctuate between an A- and an A? I want to rip my hair out.

It's weird... all of the leaves on the tree decided to fall onto my car at the same time. None of the other cars had leaves on them... Murder mystery! Not really... if only my life were that exciting.

Sorry guys, I don't know how many times I've angrily blogged about my TA already, but she's seriously making me mad. To prevent myself from saying anything I will regret, the fury must be unleashed in cyberspace. I do have other TA's, but they're all useless pieces of flesh, so there's nothing much to say there. I don't like them in particular, but at the same time I generally feel indifferent because being useless is the norm. Like I said, my "like" count is still at 2. I need a miracle to happen next quarter. Either that or I just don't want any more TA's.

Garfield mode

How to fool people into thinking that you're fashion forward? It's really quite simple. Purchase the following Winter essentials: 1. Toggle coat 2. Military-style jacket 3. Pea coat 4. Trench coat 5. Denim jacket 6. Leather jacket 7. Puffer jacket 8. Either a varsity jacket, fur-lined vest, or a parka--personally, I don't like parkas or vests because I think they look too casual. Try to buy the essentials in bold colors to leave an impression. Dress it up/down with well tailored jeans/pants, play around with colors and layers, a multitude of scarves, hats, boots, etc... Congratulations! You will now have to file for bankruptcy, but you will look damn sexy while doing so.

The sad, but unfortunate truth: positive/negative perception of any given individual is fundamentally derived from appearance. Put simply, to be respected you must dress well and be attractive. It's not so much societal pressure as it is innate human preference. This is also evident in the fact that overweight/obese individuals are paid less than their skinny counterparts. However, if this overweight/obese individual were to dress well it would somehow "even the playing field." Anyway, I don't mind. This gives me reason to buy more clothes.

I ended up not getting anything done yesterday. My mind is already in vacation mode.

Apparently I'm Mr. Joanna. Great.

Do you?

I've never looked at the label before. I usually just cut it off and dispose of it. This is funny though, I can imagine someone buying a pair of 300 dollar jeans and freaking out because they're distressed. By the way, I hate it when people wear jeans with holes in them. I know it's a supposed to be a fashion statement, but it's not very classy.

I don't particularly like skinny jeans, but I wear them anyway.. I feel that they're less formal in comparison to boot cut or straight leg--and you guys know my thing about always being semi-formal..Unfortunately, my legs aren't as long as I would like them to be. I haven't reached that optimum leg length (I think in order to achieve that I would have to be at least 5'8''), so boot cut isn't remotely attractive unless I wear heels. It's also a hassle when it's raining because they're so close to the ground that I might as well be wearing sponges sewn together as pants. I get back home and all of the rain in the world is absorbed into my jeans. Wet jeans are gross. I guess that's why skinny jeans are useful. I would never be caught dead in leggings though. That's just.. I don't even own... so unattractive. Anyway, no one cares about my pants, so let's move on.

If the rest of you are like me, you're implementing today as a means of finishing all of the crap you were so motivated to get done over Thanksgiving break, but neglected because you were too busy eating and spending money. We're broke and fat, but temporarily satisfied. I have yet to figure out whether or not the end justifies the means.

Long con

The first place we went to was B&N only to find out that they weren't even doing the whole Black Friday thing. Yes, we are exciting people. A grand total of one car was in the parking lot: mine.

...I had my cousin pose in front of the deserted store just to show how ridiculous we are.

It's always like this every year. I'm always delusional while driving on the freeway. I started singing "This land is my land..." (I don't even know what the real title is) and got stuck after New York islands or something like that. At 3am I think most people are delusional... including the workers. There were these two girls that were trying to get me to go into the store. They were so desperate it was cute, "Come in! Come in! We have free water! Please... we're Korean!"

Honestly, shopping wasn't as insane as usual. I think it's probably a combination of experience and the fact that retailers decided to open stores on Thanksgiving? Strange. I spent 100 dollars before even leaving the house. We went around 3am when everything was starting to calm down and shopped until about 7. Perfect timing. I'm satisfied. I got this jacket at Banana that was supposed to be 100+ for about 50 AND the cashier was super cute. Did you know that employees there don't get overtime pay if they work Black Friday hours? Isn't that horrible? Anyway, after falling asleep and missing a dental appointment I woke up at 12pm and we went to Nordstrom, etc. One thing led to another and I did some more online shopping... I'm pretty much going to have to starve myself in December to pay for all of this clothes. That's okay, clothes > food.

Roasted

HAHA. She gets me. I hope you all eat something delicious and buy something awesome. :)

Welcome injustice

"...though this should be obvious given the composite sample contained a mere 0.5 grams." I had to read through everything again and rewrite half of this stupid research paper/lab report. I realized that I get extremely hostile when I'm writing these things because I'm so incredibly irritated by the redundancy and lack of significance in every experiment every week: never ending cycle of doom. Maybe that's why my TA takes off points for no reason. That and the fact that she's a mean, arrogant, grumpy person. Maybe she's just hungry. I should feed her and see if it makes a difference.

What the fruit. I'll tell you how to read it if I want to. I do what I want! I wish I had the guts to say that to her face... -_-

I skimmed through a few of my past posts a while ago and I think that if people didn't know me and just read my blog they would think I'm a cynical, sarcastic, depressed, angry lady. I'm not! I need to rid myself of those emotions through passive aggressive blogging in order to be a relatively normal person in real life. Want to know what someone said to me today? "Everyone hates this lab and looks like they're about to commit murder... I don't understand how you can be smiling and just--so happy right now, I don't even have the energy to move, but I'm glad you're in this group because I feel like we're the only ones that aren't miserable." DO YOU KNOW that I almost died on the spot? I love it when people say this kind of stuff to me. I don't care if I'm pretty or not creepy Target manager and Starbucks barista. Knowing that I have the ability to make someone else happier is much more satisfying than any of that useless crap. And that is how you make me fall in love with you. everyone scrambles to write this down to avoid mentioning it in the near future

Jazz hands

I keep imagining myself with diseases. I strongly believe that I have a brain tumor. No one believes me. I also think that I have CVD and T2DM. Weakness? Arrhythmia? Dizziness? I have all of the symptoms.

Don't mind me, I'm just fooling around when I should be doing something productive. Though I think you guys should know this song. Out of all the jazz songs in the world... if you don't know this one we can no longer be friends. However, because you are reading this/listening to it I'm forcing you to be my friend. Misty by Erroll Garner. I wanted to listen to a piano solo/improvisation of this song, but I didn't really like any of the covers on Youtube, so I gave up and decided to play it myself. By the way, this is unlisted, so don't go sharing the link. For your ears only~ I'm actually really uncomfortable with you guys staring at my fat fingers for two minutes...

We can add this to another one of those "When I should have been..." moments.

Not uncommon

HAHAHA. Watch this. Just watch this. So cute...

I don't know

Did you guys know her name was Snooki as in cookie and not Snooki as in Snoopy? I've been saying it Snooki as in Snoopy this whole time until my friend didn't know what I was talking about and looked at me like this. I also have to apologize for thinking that she was Kim Kardashian's sister for the past few months. My friend says that I'm like a prisoner that doesn't know what's going on in the outside world; the only thing that exists to me is my lab. Semi-true. It's probably because I selectively read the news everyday. I tend to ignore ridiculous celebrities, problems in the middle-east, football and baseball, and most politics. By the way, is Peyton Manning a baseball player? I thought he was a pitcher or something, but my lab tech laughed at me and refused to answer my question, so I still don't know.

I tend to look at clothes before I look at price because I'm really picky, so I end up getting disappointed time and time again whenever I see something that I want, but can't afford. That's also why I hate going on jcrew. I realized I haven't checked in a while, but now I remember why I stopped. I'm never going on that site again. It makes me want to cry. Why does the cutest coat in the world have to be 800 dollars? You know what one of their slogans is? "...at a price normal people can afford" or something along the lines of that. What the fruit kind of "normal" customers are they selling to? I, for one, am not a prostitute. I don't make that kind of money. Ahh, but that coat does makes me want to consider a change of profession... ;)

I am in dire need of a vacation. Anyone else?

Zen

I'm trying to figure out if I have a brain tumor or not. I keep smelling weird things out of nowhere. The other day I thought I smelled barbecue chicken and the day before I was walking at school and smelled wine. Though I guess... the second one isn't as odd seeing as how there are people that drink in broad daylight. Right now it smells like pasta, but I'm not sure if that's because of my neighbors.

We had a pigeon like this last year. This year I have a diseased cat that always sits at the bottom of the staircase. Every time I come out of my apartment it stares at me and starts meowing really loudly. I've learned to jump over the last three steps on my way down, but I'll probably injure myself one of these days. I wish I had a puppy to love. :(

Everyone wants to be champagne and not the glass, the flower and not the vase, but glasses and vases are needed. It's impossible to draw a perfect circle, but with a compass and a thick pencil imperfections are hidden. No one is going to doubt that it's a perfect circle unless you tell them that it's not, but even if you do they probably wouldn't believe you anyway.

When, then?

I feel sick. Not the kind of sick because it's flu season, but heart sick--and not the kind of heart sick that has anything to do with boys or love... but my heart is hurting because I feel like what I truly desire to do with the rest of my life is so incredibly unattainable that I want to puke (I also don't know why puking affects my heart, but it does). Often times it's just this repetitive process in which you find yourself standing on a rug and someone pulls it out from under you and like an idiot you get up again and resume your previous position only to have the rug once again pulled... Rinse, repeat. What's the point, really. I'm just going to lay down and whoever is doing the pulling can call up Aladdin.

I'm so close. I'm so close, but never there. I think that's the most frustrating part. If I sucked/failed I would just accept that fact and move on, but that's not the case. They just never pick me at the last possible point in the process. So frustrating. Whenever I'm frustrated I either play Chopin or jazz because then I can bang on the keys with crazy fast arpeggios or sulk and develop a gloomy atmosphere respectively.

You know what else is frustrating? There was a dog abuse article in the news yesterday where some guy had hundreds of dogs locked up in tiny cages living in their own defecation and they all eventually starved to death because he neglected them. Then today there was a similar case that happened at an animal shelter. AN ANIMAL SHELTER, for crying out loud. I think it's the worst when it's about dogs. What have they done to deserve this? If it were a human on the other hand... honestly, some people...

Empty life B

I think I drank too much caffeine again... I'm suspecting this because my eye is currently twitching at a rate faster than that of hummingbirds beating their wings (lousy metaphors are innate to my personality; can't even blame the caffeine in this case). Even though I'm exhausted I feel like I need to go run off some of this excess energy or whatever it is. The problem with running after drinking a lot of caffeine is the fact that heart palpitations go haywire--severe arrhythmia. Not to mention it's a grand total of 10 degrees outside. I hate Winter. I really don't understand why Spring doesn't last more than two weeks here. 

So I set up my drum set last Tuesday and the remnants are sitting in my living room. I don't know what to do with it. I mean, clearly I need to throw it away, but I can hardly lift the thing and it's empty! I have three options: 1. to recruit some tall people to help me 2. to take it to the dumpster one box at a time or 3. throw it off of my balcony and drag it like a dead cat. I would like to choose option 1, but all of my friends are shorter than me. Actually, I don't even think I would be able to lift it above the railing. Honestly, I have no idea how the Fedex guy managed to carry that thing up here by himself. Crazy in shape. I'm also in shape. A circle is a shape. Whatever, I'll deal with this after finals... unless I get any amazing volunteers... text me~

By the way, this was one of the boxes. There was more than one labeled empty box. Yeah, beats me.

Word search

Finally. I have given my last presentation of the year. They were laughing, so I can conclude that I did a good job. Everyone seemed to be paying attention which made me feel better about my life as a whole. I forgot what I was going to say at one point and said something along the lines of "If you ever steal a baby..." and then apologized (the paper was on the prevalence of rotavirus in infants). School drains so much energy. I just want it to be Black Friday. I'm desperately in need of retail therapy even though I've been spending money nonstop as of late. Where does this money come from? I'm a drug dealer. Ha. I do always carry Tylenol though.

This is so funny and cute that I watched it twice. Ohh, children~

One thing I can never forget... this one time in High School I was in the special needs room planning match schedules with my tennis coach (who is also one of the special education teachers) and I said that something was retarded. This lady walks by and says, "I can't believe you just said that given where you are right now" I was confused. I couldn't even remember what I said, but after I realized I apologized profusely. Of course I didn't mean it in that way, but I saw how easily people misinterpret intentions and have never used that word since that day. It's a scary thing, the power of words; but, we live and learn.

Once

I can't stand people that don't smile/laugh. It's not that everyone on Earth needs to laugh at my lame jokes, but at the very least don't go around looking hostile. It makes people uncomfortable. Even more so if they're giving a presentation. I hate it when people don't even try to pretend to be listening. Every time I give a presentation a small piece of my soul dies and a white hair spouts from my head.

It's very easy for me to distinguish between a good person and someone that I wouldn't want to be friends with. This is how people describe me: fun/funny, cool, easy to talk to. Probably the dullest adjectives ever, but I'll take it. The thing is because I am easy to talk to people come up to me and start complaining about their lives without me asking. I then have to pretend like I'm interested and it drains a lot of energy. These people are the ones that I don't want to be around. Too much negativity--and that's coming from a realist! I facilitate the conversation and I gauge responses (yes, my whole life is a research experiment; I am also currently testing mileage of gas from different gas stations, 76 is in the lead). However, if--that is, IF by chance they don't start complaining then we can probably become pretty good friends. Like I said, IF. Uh... last time I met someone like this... well it's been a while. But, there's an exception. The other end of the spectrum, those ridiculous optimists that can't take a joke... I can't be friends with them either. If you don't get my sarcastic humor we can't be friends.

Last thing. There's this thing that I do when I'm walking and I was wondering if anyone else does it... I pretend to look at my phone, but I'm actually looking at the road in front of me. If I happen to see someone that I want to talk to then I'll approach them, but if not then I'm definitely busy.

Brown leaf

我覺得...

最近生命中的優點繼續下降...
已經努力, 堅持.. 這嚴峻的過程
如何補償辛苦的代價...
我為這件事情付出多少時間, 激情, 而眼淚
有人了解...嗎?
起初認為把百分之百的功夫放進我所做的"產品"上, 一定會成功...
事實上, 不是這樣... 矛盾吧?
功到自然成大概是世界上最爛的成語.
其實, 這個世界就是這樣
不但不公平反而還很殘忍
我發現我不及格, 沒有我自己想像的聰明..
但自認聰明是第一個錯誤
我發誓不會再對自己有任何的要求了
因為我承認我在這方面/這件事情上...
永遠不會成功

對不起啦~ 最近超弱

그리고 매일 생각하고, 소원하고, "제발 죽어싶어!" 이렇게 살면 안돼... 근데, 아무것도 없어... 사람들이도 없어... 돌겠네! 답답해 지금. 내가 왜?

I'm really sorry... that was super depressing... but yeah. That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling as of late. It's just really frustrating... And so because I've been so frustrated I opened up my $50 tea leaves that I've been saving for two years and starting drinking it like a tea drunkard. I don't even know if that's a real term, but it is now. Additionally, I bought another drum set to make myself feel better. Anyway... I guess I should be studying for tomorrow. Here's a video before I go.