Forget it

You know, I kind of feel sorry for February. The fact that it has to be the awkward month with 28 days doesn't seem very fair (if I were a month they'd probably make me February). I suppose life isn't fair to begin with. But if you think about it this way, it makes it a bit more bearable: if the world didn't suck we would all fall off. That was a bit of inspiration for those of you that need it.

Actually I could use some inspiration myself. I haven't been remotely productive this weekend and what's to blame is everything that is going through my head at the moment. It's kind of like a giant mixture of confusion, frustration, sorrow, distress, happiness, and instability (I put the primordial soup to shame.. I'm so nerdy). Some of these emotions are polar opposites, and it would make my life a whole lot easier if they could just cancel out so I wouldn't have to feel as much; too bad it doesn't work like that. In that case, I wish I could stop being so sensitive to everything. I figure around 75% of my problems could be resolved if I just stopped caring (would that make me less of a person or merely a crappy one?). Here I am wishing for things to happen on their own, when we all know that things don't get done unless you physically get up and do them yourself. Anyway, come Monday, I'm going to try my best to pretend that the previous week did not happen. Either that or I'll go into study mode and avoid everything except for the books. We'll see how that goes.

The two enormous matching bruises on my legs seem to be growing... should I be concerned? I believe I failed to mention that I pretty much died while biking on Friday. I made a right turn and my bike tire slipped on the painted red curb as it started raining. Consequently, my whole bike flew out from underneath me and I sat there on the ground, shocked and in pain, until an extremely kind girl came and helped me up. Then when I stood up I realized my hand was gushing out blood. I debated whether I wanted to go to class with the bloody hand or if I should go back, fix it, and then leave. In most cases I probably would have just gone to class, but seeing as how blood was literally dripping down my hand I decided not to. I've been wanting to post up a picture of my hand but after some consideration, I decided that you guys probably wouldn't want to see that (it's not that bad anymore though...). My theory is that something about Davis makes me very prone to injury. I've already used up 25 bandages (not including the ones I've "borrowed" from my suite mates). Perhaps I'm just clumsy in general.

drink coffee & take naps <3

Shark bait

I absolutely love the sound of rain tapping against the window. There's something so tranquil and comforting about it (of course, this is only true if you don't need to go outside). Then after a night of light showers comes the crisp petrichor that engulfs the morning air which immediately fills your lungs as the door opens and sunlight beams onto your face. At that moment, the world comes to a standstill and informs you that today is going to be good.

But, my day has only been mediocre. The most exciting portion of my life today consisted of dancing around Target sniffing different brands of shampoos (man, I have a headache). I've been wanting to test out Bed Head for a while now so I finally bought a bottle. The strange thing was, the conditioner bottle was half the size of the shampoo bottle; however, they both cost the same amount of money. Our lousy economy... I swear, for the price I paid for this product, it better make my hair turn into gold so I can chop it off and sell it for some money.

I refuse to be a minnow anymore. I'm going to be a shark (or I could be that whale in Florida that dragged someone into the water by their hair and killed them). Either way, my point is it seems like the only way to become successful in our society is to live a life devoid of emotional attachments. What I mean is, to be selfish and not care about anyone but yourself has become the norm, which is fundamentally upsetting. What's even more disappointing is that I've been so spoiled by the fact that my friends are not egocentric, manipulative, imbeciles, that I often forget that the rest of the people in the world usually are. Anyway, I need to stop letting my guard down and migrate back into my security bubble because life is just easier that way.

drive & take Tylenol <3

Another day

I don't feel like I can properly go to sleep unless I write down the clutter of my disturbances and premonitions; thus, that is what I choose to do for the next 13 minutes [this took longer than 13 min] (besides this should constitute as the 26th because it has passed 12:00am).

Hauling my over-sized and over-full laundry bag, I went down to the first floor to do my laundry. I put my clothes into the washing machine, swiped the card, chose a cycle, and nothing happened. The water did not run and the comforting whirring sound did not start. No big deal, I'll move my clothes into the adjacent washing machine. But then, the door locks. Great, now my clothes are locked inside a machine and they're not being washed. After wasting exactly thirteen minutes searching for a problem (yeah, I did try to yank the locked door out... didn't work), I realized that the plug was only half plugged; thus, I angrily shoved the plug back into the proper position. Wasting time is always upsetting. I opened my chemistry reader and began to look over the notes; that is, until I received a phone call from someone that I did not wish to talk to. I vividly remember telling this person not to call me to speak with me about a certain topic because some things need time. However, this person chose not to listen and decided to call me anyway. Wonderful (more like stressful). After I ended the phone call, my clothes had finished washing (yeah, the call took that long) and I began moving them to the dryers. My underwear fell on the ground as I was carrying a large pile of wet clothes and I thought it would be conventional to kick it up with my foot and catch it in my hand. Stupid move Joanna, stupid move. The black underwear soared over four chairs and landed on top of the drying machines. I ended up climbing up the counter, and pouncing onto the stack of dryers like an Amazon woman hunting for prey; except in this case, my "prey" was a pair of black granny panties that had decided to leave me to start a life of their own (I know, dangerous right? At least for the dryers it was...). When everything was put into the dryer, I finally sat back down and opened my chemistry reader once more; but, that's when the tears came.

I couldn't stop crying. I kept crying and crying up until my laundry was done. I'm not sure if it was the daunting of the chemistry midterm (I have never felt this way about a test before, I'm utterly scared, confused and hopeless), the inevitability of another biology essay that needed to be written, the phone call, the washing machine... perhaps it was a combination of all these things together that turned me into the bumbling idiot that I was. Perhaps yesterday was just one of those days in which tears needed to be shed (and in case you were wondering; no, I'm not on my period). I haven't cried like that in a long time, and in a way it was refreshing; however, the thought of taking the chemistry test with puffy red eyes isn't exactly something I'll be looking forward to. What I couldn't stand were the people that walked in and stared at me like I was some sort of freak show. I tried to hide the fact that I was crying; but, I'm sure it was obvious seeing as how one guy was decent enough to ask me if I was alright. Yeah, I'm fine I told him, just allergies. I'm not too sure if he believed me; but at that time, I could not possibly care less.

My friend once told me that the way I handle stress is unhealthy, unnatural, and stupid (gee, thanks friend). Even though a million thoughts are bursting in my head, I tend to force myself to act as I normally would hiding my true sense of being (though I've noticed that towards the end of the day my voice falters and I speak with less enthusiasm). Why must I hide the fact that I'm on the verge of going insane? Heck if I know. I don't like troubling the people around me with my burdens, especially if I know they don't care (this is because I feel the same way: if I don't care, I won't ask; which is why I wait for people to ask me before releasing any information). But the problem is even if they do ask, chances are I'm going to say that I'm fine even when I'm not. So what am I getting at here? I miss people who care so much that they'll spend 2 hours of their time asking me what's wrong until they bother me to the point in which I end up telling them. I miss that one day I was lying on the ground when someone saw me and chased me down two hallways to find out what had happened (Why can't I simply tell people? Why do I run? Both valid questions that I may never know the answer to). Rather strange thing to miss, don't you think?

I read through this entry again and have decided that it's too personal which makes me uncomfortable posting. Thank goodness no one bothers to spend time reading this mess or else I would be more concerned. Thursdays were supposed to be good days; unfortunately after yesterday, I may need to reconsider. Hopefully this weekend will make up for the previous 6 months of lousiness (is that hoping for too much?). As for now, I must become mentally prepared to fail a chemistry midterm.

wipe your hands & wear goggles <3

The flow

So today probably isn't the best day to be blogging; but, I thought I'd take the time to say that chivalry is not a dead thing. There's this guy on my floor that has opened a series of doors for me on several accounts, which I think is extremely sweet. He's a dorky sort of guy, one of the types of guys that have a bowl cut and a quirky walk. I'd prefer strange nerd than rude good looking guy any day; I think most girls would. Then again, I happen to like people whom are strange.

You know what's strange? I found out that two of my classmates in discussion are from San Jose. More specifically, one of them went to Monta Vista and the other one went to Lynbrook. I thought that was hilarious because we're the three "rival" schools and whatnot. Funny how things work out.

Speaking of working out. To the ARC! I've been waiting for my suite mate to come out of her room; but, I think she's still sleeping. Away I go! After the ARC I'm going to study for my death tomorrow and tonight I shall do some laundry (my laundry bag is spilling over, no joke).

eat raisins & drink POM <3

Acting the fool

The plurality of girls act differently when they're around guys in comparison to when they're not. They become more flirtatious and essentially, stupid. Perhaps this is some sort of genetic predisposition necessary for... reproduction? Of course, this isn't true for all girls because I have seen some that don't act like mindless fools; however, for the most part, girls tend to do this (that is unless they're really comfortable with the guy, then they can act as they normally do; why guys would like stupid girls, I will never understand). However, I believe this is a widely accepted fact because the majority of the time, it's extremely obvious (and rather annoying to say the least).

What I wonder is if people realize that people, in general, have differing personalities depending on who they're around. It must be a matter of whom they're trying to impress. Regardless of which gender is around, people tend to change themselves accordingly. I say this remembering sixth grade, where I had a really close friend that I knew for pretty much all my life. She was nice (I know, descriptive right?), but when this other girl started hanging out with us, she would act differently: tough and "cool." I wasn't concerned; that is, until I noticed that whenever that other girl was around, her personality would be the complete opposite in comparison to how she would act if we were hanging out alone. She would make fun of me and go on thinking she was the crap. After the girl left, she'd go back to being the nice person that I was familiar with, behaving as if nothing were different. Thinking about this, I started paying more attention to those around me and found out that this fact holds true for most people. While the change in personality may not always be negative, for the most part; it is, which is probably why I'd prefer hanging out with people in either small groups or on a one on one basis. I feel like by doing so people act less accordingly to societal pressures which allows them the opportunity to shift towards their natural personality (which is more likable in most cases, I don't understand why people don't just act like themselves all the time).

I'm lucky that most people are comfortable enough around me to act as they normally would. Most people have a protective barrier around them and I've realized that if you want someone to show you their true personality, you have to show them your true self as well (it's so obvious when people are acting fake; I hate it, what's the point? Oh, unless there's someone in a project group that you have to work with but you really hate, I suppose that's the only exception). In any event, I hope I don't act differently around different people (if I do so in a negative way, then I apologize and I give you the right to slap me if it happens again).

wear sunglasses & dance in the rain <3

Creeps and psychos

It was time for my biology midterm, the highly anticipated midterm that I had spent the previous week studying for. I sat down, pulled out a blue scantron, and began the test. I flipped through the pages and started circling letters while simultaneously filling in the little egg shaped bubbles. I got to around the third page before I took my eyes off the questions, and that's when I saw the blood. I guess I was bleeding; but at that moment, I could not care less. No time to look for bleeding body parts whilst taking a crazy lady's biology test. I ignored the blood and after a while my finger started stinging, which is when I found out I had previously cut my knuckle. I have no idea how I cut my finger, for all I know it could have been a paper cut from the intense page flipping action required for all of her exams. This is solid proof that test taking can indeed, kill (don't listen to what your teachers tell you, they're lying; "a test never killed anyone," my butt). All I have to say is... I apologize to whichever TA that has to score my essay, they'll be in for a nice surprise.

Speaking of crazy people. There's a really strange girl in my calculus class that I think could potentially be lesbian. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against lesbian people, they have the right to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't involve me. However, this girl chooses to sit next to me every single time we're in class. I tried sitting in different places; yet, she still moves in order to sit next to me which makes me slightly concerned. I might be overly paranoid, but this has been occurring repeatedly since the beginning of the quarter; hence, I think my concern is justified. During class, the girl drank a liter of juice, which I thought was strange; but whatever, I'm not going to judge someone by the amount of food they consume (mostly because if people did that to me, I would have been branded with a scarlet letter and ostracized by now). It wasn't her liter of juice that bothered me. Her too-tight shirt and exposed muffin top didn't bother me either (she usually wears really baggy clothes, I wonder what influenced her change in appearance... hopefully it wasn't me... I won't flatter myself). What bothered me was the fact that she was picking her nose and flicking her "leavings" on the ground. I felt so uncomfortable that I considered shifting to the seat next to me; but, I didn't want to seem rude so I stayed there, calculated the trajectory motion of her "leavings," avoided them, and gradually inched towards the right, praying that class would end soon.

wash hands & cut hair <3

D.N.R.

I slept decently for the first time in seven days. I went to sleep at 11:46pm last night and it was amazing (of course I would have liked another 10 hours; but hey, I'll take what I can get). I remember setting my ipod sleep timer to 42 minutes, listening to Maurizio Pollini (whom is a genius, by the way) on the piano for a while, and then I was out. I don't usually sleep until the minutes run out, my ipod goes to sleep, and I take my earphones out of my ear. It's part of my curse. I'm cursed of sleep deprivation for the rest of my life; it comes with being a light sleeper. What's strange is, the majority of people I know sleep like dead carcasses on the side of the road. You can't wake them up even if you sit on them. You nearly drag them off the bed but they roll over and start snoring again. Oh, how I envy them.

When I came out of my chemistry lecture this morning there were a bunch of people waiting to turn left. I hate waiting and I hate people; so, I thought it would be conventional to go over the curb next to the plants. I biked towards the curb, into the plants, and almost made it over... that is until my pedal got caught behind the curb and I fell off my bike. Embarrassing? Yeah, pretty much. I could hear people laughing behind me. I think something stupid happens to me each day. I suppose my life has become a source of entertainment.

Too many peoples' birthdays are in February, can't you guys spread it out over the course of a year? Why did you all have to decide to pop out of your mother's stomachs in February? I swear, I'm going to declare bankruptcy after the 26th. As for today, happy birthday my love, you're amazing.

jump on your bed & eat oreos <3

Music and lyrics

Okay, I know Chris Brown is a woman beater; but, I can't stop myself from liking "with you" it's so nice-sounding. I've been playing it for the past two days. You know, if a guy would write me a song I think I'd probably fall in love with him (well, unless the song just sucks in general...). I think I've also said that I would marry any guy that would sing the lucky duet with me, but of course it has to sound decent, which means that I'd prefer Jason Mraz singing with me.

Today I snuck into a chemistry review session that wasn't being held by my teacher (well it was allowed, but I'm trying to sound all "bad" and stuff, is it working? fail). Yeah, that's right, I'm living a life on the edge; studying by night and sneaking into chemistry review sessions by day. Such a gangster.

What is with this Justin Bieber kid? I swear he's 10 and he's trying to sing about girls and love. It's just ridiculous. He can join the Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, club. Although I think they're ridiculous, I can't help but feel jealousy towards these dumb kids because they're making enormous amounts of money while I'm spending enormous amounts of money (online shopping doesn't really help my situation). Honestly, anyone can be Miley Cyrus. Acquire an unattractive raspy voice and learn how to pole dance, mission accomplished. There's no justice in the world, that's for sure.

save energy & eat marshmallows <3

Missing

I feel like I'm missing something but I'm not sure what it is. It's been like this for a while now; yet, I still haven't figured out what it is I'm missing. I wonder if anyone else is feeling like this right now. Everything is as fine as it could possibly be (okay, well... I'm pretty sure it could essentially be better but whatever, I'm not going to complain; it could be far worse). This is really bothering me. Hopefully in time, I'll be able to find whatever it is that I'm missing.

Oh my gosh, my suite mate just agreed to peel a blood orange for me~ just thought I should interrupt my previous thoughts to share what little joy I encounter here (I know, such a dumb thing to be happy about, but I automatically love people that peel oranges for me; simple things make me smile hehe, I'm such a dork).

I stayed up until 6am last night (or rather, this morning) because I had a random burst of energy. I was extremely productive, which is good seeing as how the upcoming week will be horrendous. Oh man, I can't wait until spring break. Agreed?

I'm an official creeper now. I'm not going to release any details, so you're going to have to ask me in person if you want to know. :)

laugh & play Jenga <3

Show pahn

I pretty much slept through my whole chemistry lecture today. I was literally sprawled across the desk. In fact, I think I might have even been occupying two desks (no one ever goes to lectures on Fridays so I take the opportunity to let my third roll of fat come out and play). Of course once in a while I’d lift my head up to try to make sense of what he was writing. I even took notes (too bad they're illegible). The only thing I remember is him saying “study for the midterm next week!” as everyone was leaving.

The same thing happened in my food science discussion; so, I don’t want to bore anyone with the details.

I really need to play piano right now. My brain isn’t functioning and I feel like I’m going insane. Usually I would go online shopping; but, that doesn’t work anymore (it did for the first quarter though… which can be seen through my empty bank account). I’m addicted to Chopin again. The guy was a genius. In fact, the guy still is a genius. He’s not a boring guy like Beethoven, Mozart, or Bach (they’re so lame). His music makes me happy. Too bad it’s so hard to play. Etude Op. 10 No. 5. Hopefully I can be able to play that after spring break. Another one is Nocturne No. 2 (in e-flat) Op. 9 No. 2, which is a lot easier than the previous one but it’s still nice to listen to.

eat bagels & braid hair <3

Supplies

My reeses candy that I bought yesterday has mysteriously disappeared. I can't find it anywhere, and that upsets me. I hate surprises like this. Actually, surprises in general are usually hostile and uncalled for. Rarely are surprises good (that is, unless your lab is cancelled because that's definitely a good surprise). All I wanted was to eat my reeses and now they've disappeared.

There are no more biology 2b classes open. I feel so lost. I don't know what other class to take. My required classes are so systematic, all you need to do is follow whatever is next in the series. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. Underwater basket weaving? How exotic. Perhaps expository writing instead; who knows, maybe I'll suddenly become inspired to turn towards journalism (I'd write for ABC though, because their weather is accurate... at least the majority of the time). But I'd only do that if I were given my own column.

I'm developing volcanoes of acne on my face. My face is slowly being devoured by giant monsoons of pimples. Oh adolescence, how I wish you would leave me alone.

draw & drink Naked <3

So yesterday

Yesterday when I biked to class I was turning left when all of a sudden a girl tries to pass me on the left. Stupid move. She was going straight while I was trying to turn and thus, she hit me. Stupid girl. I wasn't as angry as I thought I would have been, I guess my mind was too focused upon allyisothiocynate compounds in wasabi. Besides, she apologized and asked me if I was okay, which is always kind of nice when someone almost murders you.

Yesterday as I was waiting in front of my chemistry discussion class, I looked into the reflection of my phone and saw that I had a cut on my bottom lip. I thought about how this could have happened and it came back to me. Yeah, I got into a crazy bar fight; but hey, you should see the other guy. Okay not really, I cut my lip while eating Tostitos with guacamole dip (so much for my attempt at being cool). Being the fat whale that I am, I remember ignoring the painful sensation of salt entering my wound as I continued to shove chips into my mouth. I bet you never knew it was possible to do that; cut your lips on a chip. That's right, I do the impossible... (anything stupid that comes to mind, I've probably accomplished it already).

Yesterday there was a mosquito following me around and it finally landed on me. Of course I freaked out and smacked it. Like heck I'm going to get a mosquito bite. Success. Or not, a second mosquito then approaches me and starts dancing around me. I must have killed its lesbian lover or something (in case you didn't already know, only females suck blood). It seemed angry. I was just minding my own business, trying to play Tetris on my ipod and the crazy thing landed on me and made me mess up, so I stepped on it.

Yesterday night was ridiculous. I've been surviving with a total of 3 hours of sleep for the past two days. I'm not too sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight either. Trust me, I would like nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. Unfortunately, my biology teacher is psychotic and lives off the misery of students, which is why she constantly throws essays at us. But hey, on the plus side, I have learned how to write a 9 page single spaced essay in three hours, can you top that? Yeah, didn't think so (this really isn't something to be proud of, but I have nothing else to be proud of, so just pretend I'm cool for a second here; besides, I'm delirious. pity me). I really need some sleep, I keep getting this recurring urge to throw up. Oh, and thanks. I forgot to say thanks this morning for being amazing, I'm sure it went well. :)

use eyedrops & stay awake <3

Know to no

I need to learn how to say no to people or situations that I don't want occurring around me. I mean, it's easy to say no to drugs and alcohol because well, that's just stupid; however, saying no to the people around you is an entirely different concept. I don't think I can adequately describe these sorts of situations without proper examples. Let's say an acquaintance asks you to borrow five dollars and you know that you're never going to see them again and that they're never going to return the money. Do you still give it to them? Well, I would. Why? Because I'm too passive. I'd condemn them in my mind but I would still hand over the money. Another example; let's say someone that never calls you, dials your phone number and starts a conversation (small talk; how are you? how is school?). It's inevitable that this conversation is going to end with them asking you for a favor or something of the equivalent. It's rather imminent they're pretending they care about your life for a mere 3 minutes and 14 seconds to get a ride back to school, homework answers, or a strip tease (just kidding on the last one, I charge for those; call me. I can see everyone burning their phones at the same time.. but really, I'm sure the world doesn't need to experience such repulsive behavior). I don't really mind if people that I actually care about ask me for favors because more often than not, these favors are reciprocated (this is a key component of friendship, don't be a crappy friend). But at the same time, if these rights are abused, you'll end up getting kicked out of the friend circle and tossed into the "oh it's that useless girl/guy that always uses me" circle. It's not a good place to be; I'm just saying. The problem is, even if they are useless, I can't bring myself to say no to them. What I really need to learn to do is say no to these useless people (like Teddy Roosevelt and his big stick theory. I'm a nerd, I know). Perhaps by doing so, they'll stop asking me for favors because they know I won't agree to do whatever they're asking of me. In a way, I envy the people that have the ability to make people do things upon command; however, at the same time those are the types of people that I can't stand (mostly because I'm the idiot that succumbs to their demands). I suppose the best solution is to find a balance between overly dominating and excessively compliant.

I'm putting more effort into this. Recently I've been trying harder to refuse to do what I don't want to do. Like when your mom called me last night, I told her no because I had to study for my midterm (okay, sorry that was unnecessary, but I couldn't pass that up). I don't know though, I find it easier to speak up for my friends in comparison to speaking up for myself. In that case, I should make more friends that will do the same.

By the way, Ghiradelli's toffee interlude is amazing.

wash clothes & wear socks <3

Study it up

I have something on my mind that I really want to put down in writing but I think I should wait until tomorrow seeing as how my midterm is tomorrow.

To studying!

draw & eat chocolate <3

D. licious

It was good. It was so delicious. Oh, my gosh. Who knew a juice could actually substitute wine? I can't wait until next year where I can actually cook real food on a daily basis. Of course at the same time I probably won't have time to cook so I guess I'm going to have to rely on kimchi noodles, yogurt cheerios, and peppermint patties for the rest of my college life. Sorry, the resolution of the picture is probably horrendous, seeing as how I took it with my cruddy phone camera (I left my actual camera at school).

If only every day could be like today. Cabernet filet mignon, piano, Korean boy bands, and my good old chem book (ew, not).

Oh and while I'm on the topic of my camera, I lost my charger so I bought a new one on amazon which came two days after I ordered it (ridiculously fast if you ask me). Well knowing my luck and stupidity, I found my charger that I thought I lost (it was behind the blinds, where I never bothered looking before) the day after my new charger came. My initial belief was that I might have left it in the hotel room at the Grand Sierra Resort when we went to Reno, but I guess not. Well, we can add this to my growing list of failures.

shower frequently & dance in front of the mirror <3

Wine juice

Wow, I just woke up. It's currently 9:48 P.M. which is kind of ridiculous. I think I've made up for my previous month of sleep depravity. But wow, I feel like such a sloth. Too much to do, too little time (very cliche, I know).

I've come across a new type of juice called First Blush. They call it the antioxidant super juice. What I found intriguing was the fact that they made the juice out of the different types of grapes used to make wine. So of course they have Merlot, Pinot, Chardonnay, Cabernet, Syrah, etc. The juices were on sale at Safeway, buy one get one free (it was only 3 dollars). Well, as most of you already know, I'm obsessed with cooking and because no one is going to let me buy real Cabernet, this is the closest thing to it (I'm against underage drinking; don't do it, it makes you look like an idiot and it's fundamentally a waste of time). So, I'm going to try making a Cabernet filet mignon with the juice as a substitute for the Cabernet reduction. I wonder how this is going to taste because although the juice itself has a rich grape flavor, it can't really be anywhere near the flavor of Cabernet (it's a lot sweeter too). I'm going to do this tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

read books & recycle <3

It's a mess

It's a mess. Everything is a bloody mess today. Unfortunately, this is in both a literal and metaphorical sense. I'm out of diapers for real... sigh. I took a look at my sample midterm for math and half of the exam was on something that was neither covered in class, nor assigned in the homework. Why don't professors test you based on what they taught you? Seriously, it's not that hard of a concept to consider. Thank god for ap calculus or else I'd be more concerned.

I'm kind of freaking out at the moment. I think the fact that no one can tell when I'm freaking out is kind of funny. Well, that is unless you actually know me, know me (in all honesty, not that many people do.. of course that's my fault because I hardly ever let people in). I suppose I go crazy in my mind so that I can mask my insanity from the general public. Yeah that's right, you heard me. I'm secretly insane, you all just don't know it (or you do, and you still accept me for the psycho I am <3)

This blog has become the equivalent of word diarrhea. It's completely mechanical, I'm just typing up the jumbled thoughts in my mind without taking the time to organize them, and for that I must apologize. Usually, I have some sort of direction; but today, I'm a mess.

Valentines day tonight with the home girls~ hooray for dead presidents! I love random holidays (too bad all of the professors in college have phDs... I could definitely use a few of those staff learning days right about now).

sleep & enjoy the break <3

Scandalous

I saw a very large girl on a very large one-speed cruiser bike this morning wearing stiletto heels and a mini skirt (without leggings for that matter), and she seemed to be having quite a bit of difficulty pedaling. She was biking so slowly that a girl with an Elmo backpack was walking next to her at the same speed. Unfortunately, large girl was taking up the whole of the bike path and no one could get around her, that is until her heel got caught in the empty space between the pedal and she had to stop. This is one of those things that I'll never understand. If you know you're going to school to learn, and that your means of transportation is a bicycle, why on earth would you bother to wear a skirt and high heels? It's ridiculously unconventional. I wonder if those high heel, dress/skirt wearing girls know that the majority of us are laughing at them. Of course I'm also curious as to who they're trying to impress, because I haven't seen anyone here worth impressing (yet at the same time I'm jealous that they have someone to impress). Girl, put some bloody clothes on, no one wants to see that.

On the other hand, I saw a highly attractive guy today. I had no idea that guys like that actually exist in real life. But for anyone that watches House M.D., the guy that I saw this morning bore a striking resemblance to Chase, whom we all know is incredibly gorgeous. Being the creeper that I am, I could not for the life of me stop staring at him every time he ran past me. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible but we made eye contact every single time. Probably because he found it horrifying that some random psychotic girl was staring at him. Well, I suppose that's enough social interaction for the day. Back into my realm of antisocial behavior it is.

eat cereal & stay healthy <3

Bloody

I'm bloody and I'm almost out of diapers. Oh, bloody Wednesdays. Nothing good ever comes out of them.

Last night I partook in a "WWE tournament" in which I lost. I'm just not cut out for wrestling, what can I say. I know, it's hard to tell because I'm so big, muscular, gangster... and whatnot.

Yesterday I realized how important it is to keep up with the lives of people I care about. Obviously, this is a given; but, the fact whacked me in the face when I was on the phone. It's so hard to stay informed about people if you're not constantly around them, which is why people tend to form closer relationships to people in their proximity (it's not a bad thing, it's just fact). However, becoming closer to those around you tends to make you less conscientious about your previous friendships and relationships. So lately, I've been putting in more effort to compensate for the fact that I've been failing at keeping up with everyone's lives. I have an obsession with being there for people if they need me to be there; but, it's hard to do this if I don't even know what's going on (I like listening, feel free to talk~). After a series of three phone calls each exceeding an hour long, I can finally say that I feel like I've caught up, and it feels excellent. :) Therefore, I have established that it is possible to have "the best of both worlds" (ew, miley cyrus), all you need is a bit of effort (of course love won't hurt either).

chew gum & eat protein <3

Cookie pants

I've decided that I need to do something with my life. I constantly feel fat, lazy, and essentially useless, which has thus influenced me to go to the arc every other day (now, now don't get too excited I'm still as obese as ever).

I was running on the elliptical and the CBS early show's news headline (at least I think that's what it's called) caught my eye. It said, "Are sweatpants taking over?" or something of the equivalent, which made me laugh. The cameraman panned to one of the CBS column writers and she started talking about how sweatpants have become a prominent part of American life. After the brief introduction she then proceeded to show picture after picture of celebrities walking casually in their sweatpants. What was funny wasn't the fact that the whole fifteen minutes were about sweatpants; what intrigued me was the enormity of her anger as she talked about how wearing sweatpants with Uggs or Crocs together was a "no no" (totally agree with this; in fact, Uggs and Crocs are "no no's" regardless of what you wear in conjunction). She went on ranting and raving about how our society has become fat and lazy (not her exact words, but put bluntly..) and how she doesn't even own a pair of sweatpants (it's not possible to not own a pair of sweatpants... come on now lady, be honest with us). Then, to top it all off she gave fashion tips. Yes, tips about what to wear with sweatpants. Some suggestions were "a cute blazer" with high heels and a high waisted belt. Seriously? If I'm going to go out in sweatpants it means that I feel like crap; hence, I will complement that by looking like crap. I would wear a matching baggy sweatshirt, my old tennis shoes, and my hair will probably be up (or I might leave it down and let it eat my face, whatever I happen to feel like that day). I reserve the right to look like a homeless on bad days (besides, that's how I get the guys).

Take care on this dark and dreary day. Watch where you step and don't walk around flying kites with a key attached because that would be a pathetic way to off yourself.

take pictures & use umbrellas <3

Sparkle, sparkle

I've come to the conclusion that no good can come out of exercise. Being the stupid idiot that I am, I came out of the shower yesterday night and realized that I was missing an earring. So of course, the first thing I do is look to see if it fell in the shower. All clear, oh but how delightful a wad of hair (calm down y'all, I threw it away). I thought back to when and where I could have dropped it; well, what do you know? I remembered that I ran with my earrings on. Good job Joanna, good job. But I guess I can use this as an excuse to buy new earrings (I've been addicted to purple amethyst lately). When you're cast into situations in which you find there is no actual solution, the important thing is to remember there is always a positive side that can be derived from the negative (believe me, this type of mentality works; it's why I'm still relatively sane).

Also, recently I've become an obsessive tooth brusher. I'm not sure why, but whenever I have nothing better to do, I brush my teeth. I've been experimenting with a bunch of new Crest toothpaste products as well. I'm a strange child, to say the least. I wonder if this whole "whitening" experience: 3D whitening, night time whitening thing is actually going to work. I'll keep you all posted about my exciting tooth whitening adventure/experiment, because I know you're all dying to find out what happens (I'm like a bad Korean drama, you know it's a waste of time to keep watching but you still watch it anyway).

use coupons & breathe <3

Obesity

There's really nothing much to write about today because nothing interesting has happened. My life is as mundane as ever. The most excitement I came across today was probably five minutes ago when my leg fell asleep as I was writing my essay on obesity (I think my biology teacher is trying to hint at something...). I did however, go for a one hour run. It was refreshing seeing as how I haven't exactly exercised since the beginning of the school year (that is, unless you count walking up three flights of stairs... even so, this "phenomenon" only happens occasionally because I strongly believe elevators were invented for a reason).

I feel exhausted (must have been that one hour run, how pitiful I am) and I'm not looking forward to the two hour drive back. Hopefully, I won't fall asleep behind the wheel. To those of you that are also driving back tonight, watch out for the po po and don't speed (speeding ticket fines have increased because California needs more money).

drink milk & sleep well <3

Ooh child.

I finally got around to buying some actual rain gear. Now instead of looking like a giant blue elephant, I'll look like a slightly less giant black elephant. Hopefully, the weather will pity us all and stop raining (don't you hate it when the bottom of your jeans get wet? such an uncomfortable feeling).

I was in the cereal section at Target trying to decide between strawberry honey bunches of oats or special K red berries (I went with hbo because I think the special K diet is a lie), when I saw a dad with two children. One of them was around 4 while the other was 6 or so. The kids were screaming and trying to grab at the fruit loops. One of the children said "Father, you said we could get two, can we get two?" and the dad responded, "Well, I don't recall stating that proposition; but, I believe it is only necessary to obtain one." Now, I found two things wrong with this conversation. First of all, why are the children calling their dad, father? It makes him sound like a priest (I mean, he could be, but seriously... that's ridiculous). Secondly, why on Earth would anyone talk to children like that? I thought I was bad with kids, but this dad was even worse than I am. Surprise, surprise. I guess this proves that virtually anyone can be a parent (just because I say this, doesn't mean you should all take off your clothes, get pregnant, and have kids right now.. thought I should make that clear because people have the tendency to misinterpret my mental processes).

listen to music & eat chips <3

Epic failure

So yesterday seemed like a nice day, that is, until the sun was consumed by a monsoon of dark clouds around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Luckily, it started raining around the time I had class (this is sarcasm... it's hard to distinguish online). I should be thankful that it wasn't pouring. The giant, blue, ghetto, elephant parka and matching rain pants stayed in their respective Safeway grocery bags. Well, being the smart person that I am, I decided to wear my nearly white khaki pants (for some reason I always happen to wear those when it's raining, heck I might as well throw on a white t-shirt while I'm at it) and canvas vans. So of course while I was biking and getting soaked, I prayed at the same time that no one could see through my pants, because as we all know, my granny panties are definitely unattractive. Anyway, I perceive this as a sign to get new rain gear, which I will subsequently be doing this weekend.

When I got back, I remembered that I had mail that I didn't open yet because I had been previously occupied with cumbersome situations. So, I opened my mail with a piece of obsidian that I stole from my anthropology lab last quarter (don't judge me, I don't have a letter opener and there were several pieces of obsidian at lab). Once again, my stupidity got the best of me. I forgot that both sides of the obsidian are sharp and consequently, I cut my finger... again. Another failure for me. Here I thought I should insert a thanks. You guys have such good timing with the emails, letters, phone calls, and text messages. I'm so lucky... :)

After I failed at life in general, I went to the dining common with one of my suite mates (this is extremely rare because we all hate the smell of the dc). We were conversing and eating at the same time when I happened to choke on a piece of scrambled egg. I coughed and thought about how ridiculous I was for around ten minutes while she sat there laughing at me (okay, so I was laughing too.. haha). Eventually, we made our way back to the dorm room (don't know how this was possible, I was pretty much in a food coma).

Laundry night! Woot woot! I decided to do my laundry yesterday night so that I wouldn't rip my bag again (it ripped twice already... hey, big people wear big clothes okay?). One of my suite mates came with me. After we put our clothes in the washer and proceeded to the lounge, we saw that white chick was on, so of course we had to finish watching that before starting on any homework or studying. Rather, I began studying after the movie while she watched videos of some seventeen year old girl doing makeup tutorials on Youtube (though she did do a bit of homework.. I should be proud of her?). Finally, our laundry was done but I hadn't finished my chapter of chemistry yet so we stayed down there for a while longer (someone was complaining because someone wanted to eat a hot pocket). Anyway, after we finished folding clothes and I finished with chemistry, we made our way upstairs. Well the problem was, I couldn't walk up the stairs normally. Why you ask? Because I couldn't fit. Indeed, I had to walk up the stairs sideways because I had too much laundry (and no, I don't normally do this already thank you very much).

I got assigned another seven page, single spaced, essay today. Oh, the joy.

bake muffins & stay dry <3

Good morning starshine

My stash of York peppermint patties is dwindling. I'm wondering how long they will last me, hopefully until the end of the week. I feel myself increasing in circumference, which should be the constant state of affair so I don't know what I'm worrying about because nothing has changed.

I left in the middle of my Biology discussion to make a phone call and when I returned to the classroom everyone had already disappeared. I swear, the phone call was only 10 minutes long and the class wasn't supposed to be over yet. The awesome thing was, my biology friend was still there and I biked back to cuarto with him again. He's cool.

As an endnote to this entry I'd like to restate what I've written in my first entry (if anyone bothered to read that one): that being, I write solely for myself and my sanity. In no way do I suggest you read my blog. Its purpose is not to send subliminal messages directed towards anyone nor is it some super-secret personal device of animosity and detest; rather, it is used as a place to dispose of my frustrations. Leaving irritation and contravention in the virtual world, allows me to do away with those same emotions in the real world (I'm very passive, and I've been suggested to buy a punching bag). This helps me maintain my composure and rationality. My blog is not meant to be read (that means don't promote it, and I don't endorse promotion of it); thus, I'm indifferent and not responsible for whomever happens to stumble across it. To me, it does not exist in the real world and I'd appreciate it tremendously if real did not mesh with virtual.

Alright, seeing as how it's almost 10:00, it's about time for the sleeping beauties to wake up (I wonder how it's like waking up to the sound of my own voice. Woah, that must be horrible.. which is probably why she constantly tells me to go away, haha).

be patient & appreciate <3

Broken revenge

I think my suite mate was possessed last night. She took a nap, woke up, and immediately started speaking incoherently about the German war, Zoey's boyfriend, and rolling around in the lounge. She scared the crap out of me, basically. But I've got to admit, it was ridiculously hilarious.

For those of you wondering, my living situation has not exactly gotten any better. Unfortunately, there are still people on top of each other in my room. People have been giving me suggestions (most of them violent) to fix this problem; however, I think that the solution of the situation is not as simple as merely cutting, yelling at, or throwing her out the window (if only life were that easy and direct, I would have the ability to kill everyone that I don't like). Eventually, I'll get sick of coming into my own room after a long day of schooling and seeing people, for lack of a better phrase, "getting it on," and when that happens I won't be as passive and nonchalant as I am currently. But, because my suite mates let me invade their room, it makes everything a bit more tolerable, and for that I am grateful. I'm waiting for the day in which she feels ashamed; yet, at the same time, I don't believe that day will come anytime soon. In the meantime, I can only sit here and hope that she'll come to the realization that she does not live alone (either that or I can hope that the guy stops liking her, which will probably happen before the realization does).

Theoretically speaking, I have "power" now. I have the power to say that I respect her; hence, she should respect me as well (I mean seriously, I leave the room without complaint if she's about to sleep). I have the power to tell her to get the--- out of my room. I have this power, but I'm not going to use it. Just because you have the power to hurt someone, it doesn't mean that you should. People get hurt all of the time and when that happens, they feel the need to retaliate. But what good will that do? The obsessive desire to retaliate only results in an ongoing battle of revenge; which is fundamentally, a waste of time. So, I forgive her. I have to focus on the fact that I'll be living with amazing people next year. 4 months, 2 weeks. I can do it.

smell flowers & eat tomatoes<3

Amen, hallelujah

The other day I had a very long and refreshing conversation about Christians and Christianity with one of my suite mates. I find it hard to talk about Christianity with anyone because it's taboo. Generally politics and religion are the two things that should never be mentioned; but, this time I found someone that agrees with my perspective.

First of all let's get something straight, in no way am I against Christianity or Christians. In fact, I was baptized sophomore year in high school and I felt extremely connected to the church as I started playing guitar, piano, singing, leading worship, etc. But all of that slowly died out as I felt myself drifting away from the church. It wasn't that God had forsaken me or whatnot. What drove me away from the church were the people within the church. The longer I spent in the church the more I felt like the people in there were solely there so they could tell other people that they attend church. No longer was church a holy place, rather it was a place for people to go in order to brag that they are indeed spiritual and encompass this "good or holy" connotation. Don't get me wrong, there are people in the church that really do strive to fit the definition of what Christianity is; however, the ones that don't, are only there for acquisition of social status. These actions driven by the self-centered thought process of humanity is what has corrupted the church today. And this is why I have chosen to remove myself from certain churches (err... I'm not going to say which one but I think it's pretty obvious).

When it comes down to it, it doesn't even matter if you're Christian or not. Just because you're a Christian it doesn't mean you're automatically a good person. In fact, I've met a lot of people whom aren't Christians that are better people then the "Christians" that I do know. I'm just saying that if you're even going to bother to go to church, do it because you believe, not because of societal pressures (yes, this includes the pressures induced by parental figures).

Sorry that was on my mind, so I had to get it down in writing.

I can't decide if I want to go to dinner with some guy. Suggestions anyone? Hopefully I'll find a way to get out of this before tonight.

vacuum & drink tea <3

Smells like death

So I stayed up until around two yesterday morning trying to get rid of the disturbing images in my head while studying for biology at the same time. I swear, it's ridiculous what our society has come to: sex crazed teenagers, hormone driven adolescents, you know what I'm getting at? Our lives are actually turning into the same over dramatized movies being presented to us (and by "our lives" I mean not mine, just the ones going on around me). Lord save us all. I'm just saying... have some sympathy for me here.

Don't you hate it when you get a headache that feels like it's about to consume your whole head? I want to take out my brain, rinse it in water, and then shove it back into my head. I believe this is the only solution to the problem. If there are any better solutions someone better text them to me before I saw off the top portion of my skull.

This morning I walked out of the science lecture building and I started walking towards my bike. Being the lazy person that I am, I would rather take shortcuts and walk though bushes than fight the crowds of people walking the "normal" way (pshh, sidewalks are overrated; dirt paths and shrubbery all the way). As I dodged around a small bush to go past a tree I noticed a wretched odor. It smelled like death. So of course I smelled myself to make sure it wasn't me. Nope, not me. As usual, I smell like laundry. Well then what was it? I looked down and literally 2 feet away from me was a dead squirrel with an exposed skull and open eyes. I almost puked right there; but, I composed myself, jumped over the dead squirrel, got on my bike, and went to buy three packs of york peppermint patties (yeah, I'm still completely obsessed, my suite mate looked into my trashcan the other day and said, "Oh my gosh, how many packs are in there?" quite frankly, I have a problem).

Hmm, my headache is gone. Tylenol is amazing I must say.

Darn. It's almost 11:00. Time to run away~ :)

eat pretzels & exercise <3